Saturday, October 29, 2011

happy thoughts

I just finished watching two chick flicks in a row. And it's 2 o'clock in the morning. It's really true that late nights get you sentimental.

The first movie I watched was Bridesmaids. Kristen Wiig was so pathetic and I loved her because of that. I cried a little bit watching her humble relationship with her bride-to-be, best-girlfriend towards the end. And the second movie was Crazy, Stupid, Love. I clicked on it immediately because it had Steve Carell in it, of course. I was so impressed with this movie because even though it had an enormous cast of high profile actors, I didn't hate it. It was serious and conflicting and sad. And wonderful. But I probably am liking both of these so much because I'm such a sponge and am terribly emotional; I sop up every bit of chick flick I can get.

This crazy stupid love film got me so jealous of all the perfect looking people in all of the multiple relationship scenarios it followed. How could Emma Stone get a guy like Ryan Gosling? Not possible, in real life. They're both unbelievable, but way too different for reality. In what world would all of this happen? And why would I be jealous of anyone else's life?

And then it hit me. I'm not jealous at all. I just worry that my life's never okay because it's not perfect. I'm not unhappy with my life one bit! So who cares if the guy from the bar she falls in love with has washboard abs, years of practice womanizing, and a crazy tan? That girl with that guy will never have my happiness.

I get worried on a daily basis, mildly. Some days worse than others. But I always come back to thinking about perfection and battling with it, in my mind. I constantly feel like I have to hold my breath and sort of shut down in order to accept the fact that things can be imperfect. That immaturity and smudges and exaggerations in conversations are okay. Not getting along every once in a while is, in fact, human. I pride myself on having high standards, but now I think, I've been defaulting to expect perfection. And doing that, I will never be satisfied.

I have anxiety - whatever. I understand. All my years I've been obsessed with love, though. And I've never been satisfied with how I saw it in reality. I was never okay with how my parents fought and still cleaned the kitchen together after dinner. I got indignant watching cousins argue and shove and still kissing everybody goodnight before heading down to grandmon's house. I didn't think it was good enough, because it was so imperfect: too much negative mixed in with the positive.

When I got to high school, I had boyfriends. Every single boy I dated, though, I felt terrible with. As soon as I went into "contract" with them, telling each other we were "officially together," I felt trapped, suffocated, unhappy, and most of all, confused for all those other feelings. Because I wanted to love, but anything that could go wrong ended up driving me away.

Now, tonight, this year, and forever, I'm in love. I'm in it real deep. And honestly, sometimes when things are so very obviously imperfect, I choke up and feel scared and confused and think I should run away. Most often it's all the times when I screw up. Yeah, sometimes I'm a real, pathetic coward. Sometimes I feel like I'm the least important thing in the room. I think about my sister getting divorced at age 22 and wanna be angry and tell everybody that love's not worth it. Sometimes when I'm on the phone with Ben and he starts talking in a southern-new yorkan-british accent and tries to rap, I cringe a little inside, haha. But movies aren't real, and perfection's waiting for us only in heaven. And I can still cherish my moments of nirvana. I still get to cry happy tears and think happy thoughts about the countless sweet, happy kisses that were planted on my head today. Emma Stone may have been paid to look perfect side-by-side with Ryan Gosling, but I've got someone eons better than any movie. I get my very own someone, who I get to spend the eons with. And that is a happy thought.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

so much on my mind

where to begin?!

Today as I was eating my delicious italian dinner all by my lonesome, I was listening to President Uchtdorf's talk on the forget-me-nots. I also happened to be bawling up a storm. He sure knows how to make a lady feel loved.

I didn't know today was fast sunday and had yogurt before church, so I didn't feel bad cooking when I got home from it. I cut up a whole onion and cooked it, and added a half a pound of sausage and some cans of diced tomatoes and a smidgen of sour cream and spices to it to make another one of my homemade sauces! I couldn't help myself and picked at it from start to finish, it was so gosh darn good. That paired with wheat linguine made a pretty satisfying sunday meal, if I do say so myself.

Ben got me a TON of birthday presents this year, one of which was a gift certificate to the nail salon in the mall. On Wednesday I went and got em done, hot pink, and I've got to admit I'm super proud of the fact that all nails are still perfectly intact! And I still have money on the gift certificate, just enough so that I can go back in a couple of weeks and get a french manicure this time. I love pretty nails.

Can I just say how happy I am? I have been ridiculously happy lately! There's never a dull moment being with Ben, and that's just how I like it. I love how happy we are together. How goofy and giggly and silly we are. I love how smart he is. I love how he teaches me new things every day. I love how passionate he is about sports, and how exciting it is for me to get into it, too. I love how good he is at the tuba and how gracious he is to all of the new guys in band that are much, much younger than he is. I love being able to take care of him. I've always felt a desire to have a say over someone else's life - my siblings know that about me all too well. But cooking for two is the best feeling in the world. Talking on the phone in between classes, planning the rest of the day and scheduling in date nights throughout our weeks gives me joy beyond comprehension. I feel domesticated already, and feel so comfortable and contented knowing that each day I get to be in his arms.

Another thing to add to the Why I'm Happy list is being a part of Utah State's band service sorority, Tau Beta Sigma, finally. TBS is so much fun - and I find fulfillment out of having my voice heard when it comes to all things band related. I forgot how much of an opinion I have about everything, haha. And I love being able to do things for the band. It is my whole life, pretty much. Ben and band. ;)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

something out of the movies

Okay, so I was totally falling asleep just now. I set my alarms and said my prayers and everything! But today was just too perfect to not write down. As I was drifting off to dreamland, I couldn't help but think about my future self, and how I'd one day look back to these fond memories and know how good life is to me. How great is God.

The moment that stuck in my head the most happened this evening. Ben and I were walking home from church together, arm in arm, in the lovely, cool fall breeze. The sun was almost done setting and we were sharing headphones and laughing all the way home. I noticed the trees after we passed the awkward intersection on 10th north. I noticed the soft blanketing of leaves on the sidewalk, and the endless colors of everything in our path. Ben was excitedly changing songs on his iPod, telling me what he likes to listen to when he needs a pick-me-up at work and which songs are best for a melancholy mood. I love how excited he gets about the little things in life! I never appreciated anything as much as he does, about everything, and I'm so grateful for him so that I can learn to open my eyes.

I felt so safe. So gosh darn lucky to have everything I've ever wanted. So in love with Logan and the season and our lives together.

So we got home and I grabbed some vegetables and spices and gravy mix and brought them over to Ben's place, where he was already starting to cook me dinner. Not just any dinner, a STEAK dinner! It was honestly the most amazing steak dinner I've ever had. I sat at the bar all cute-like while he showed off his charm and shuffled around the kitchen. Needless to say, I had to help him cook the peas properly, because of course boys are clueless when it comes to the healthy stuff. But soon after we both sat down to a feast for two and had the most wonderfully romantic, delicious dinner you could ever imagine.

After dinner, we watched some youtube and colbert and then said goodnight. Today was something right out of the movies. Not only did I have a magical evening, but I felt invincible all day long. I was talking to my bishop tonight, and I told him how strong I feel. I don't have the stress that I had growing up anymore. I've had my share of ups and downs so far, and I know that life won't stay so easy forever, but I'll always have today as a landmark for the good that's here and the great that's yet to come. I'm living my happily ever after.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


In less than three weeks, I'll be turning the big 2-0! And what's more, I have absolutely NO obligations interfering with that glorious landmark establishing my adulthood. Eighteen was a terrible, dumb day - all I did was cry and cry and I can't even remember why. And there's no way I felt like an adult then, because I had a whole year of high school to still go through. Nineteen was fun, but especially since I spent the day with my past (and current) boyf who was 24 at the time, I felt so young and didn't like still technically being a teenager.

So, what ever shall I do? Go skydiving? Have a big crazy blowout party with lots of friends and family? Devote the entire day to primping and pampering my desolate college self? Veg out maybe, take a load off and count the number of people who say happy birthday to me (in vain) on facebook? Haha, who knows. For the first time in my life, I've decided NOT to make plans. I'll just go with the flow and do whatever comes naturally. If I don't set expectations, there's no way I can be disappointed, right? Right. Besides, it makes it all the more exciting to all those Elena fans who religiously follow my ever-eventful, blogged life story. ;)

As you can probably tell, I'm extra silly tonight. And not so super serious - as I usually am. 
That's because I'm so so happy! So grateful. So in love, and so excited for the rest of my life.

summer's end.. a couple weeks late :)

I found this in my drafts! And don't want to spoil it.
I woke up uncharacteristically early this morning, and can't get back to sleep. Today will be my last full day in my summer apartment, and my roommate and new member of the church is speaking today! I definitely will miss her beautiful spirit in my daily life.
So I started packing on Thursday - didn't get much done then. Friday I packed some more, gave away a tv, and procrastinated further. Saturday I got up early, started cleaning slowly, found a home for my printer and minifridge, and somehow managed to get most of my room in twenty different bags and boxes and in the living room for easy departure. 
Today, I've just got to finish the list my landlord gave me. I guess I've been so slow because I haven't had much else to do besides clean and pack up my place. I don't have a job right now, and I won't be in school for another couple of weeks. meh.

and here's a gem I found to add to the hodge-podge of this post!:


Friday, September 9, 2011

take care now.

Recently I've been letting some things take control of my emotions. There must be some rough spots ahead in my future that God wants me to prepare for - that's the only reason I can come up with for these things to happen.

Let me preface by saying how happy I am right now. I have everything I've ever wanted: an education immersed in music, amazing friends who for the first time ever can relate to me, and the love of my life.

Having said that,  I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy now that my whole family's going through all different kinds of strife and sadness. How can I feel okay while everyone else is struggling? Furthermore, how can I accept the fact that there's nothing I can do about their problems? I always thought I could fix it all - I could fix our unhappiness. But I was wrong; the only person I can make a difference in is myself. All I can do for my family now is love them and pray for them, and hope that someday they'll accept me back into their lives.

Friday, August 5, 2011

boyfriends, girlfriends, & spongebob

Today was awesome!

I quit my jobwent shopping with benran into one my best girlfriends, awesomely had a lunch date with ben chatted it up with ben and his new roommateswent shopping some more by my lonesome got a pedicuremet up with MORE girlfriendsate frozen cherry lemonade with the girls went on a pizza runhunted down ben and gave him a ride to work laughed and cried with my brown girlsplayed life, spongebob edition tried on all my purchases from today, and felt beautiful.

So many people! So much happiness.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

a house of order

I promised Ben I would write tonight. Because we both know that after I write, my head gets clear. And I've been in need of a head-clearing for a while now.

It's harder to dive right in after not writing anything down practically all summer. That's almost 4 months! I've been used to writing everything down everywhere before: I had journals for different parts of my life, this blog, and facebook. And I had so many people around me throughout the school days to talk to and so many other old friends who I kept steady relationships with whom I would call up several times a week. I was SUCH a talker. I know that I still probably am. But I kind of hibernated this summer, and now that things are getting back to life as we all know it, my anxiety has picked up momentum and I forgot how much I need a release. How much I need a thousand releases.

This summer has been the steadiest mine and Ben's relationship has been for any chunk of time thus far. He and I have really just had each other to depend on, and not many other else's. Back in the winter when we had rocky points, I did myself no favors by documenting every bit of negative that went on - by letting pretty much the general public into that controversial period of time. And boy did I learn my lesson. My humiliation from excessively sharing has influenced me to be the hermit I am right now, I guess. But I've learned that I can't keep everything quiet, either. I may have been inappropriate with what I spread, but at least I felt satisfied and level-headed. Lately, well, I've been happier than ever before, but my thoughts have been so fuzzy and jumbled. I've definitely gotta keep talking and writing it out. Ben and I agree that it's good for me.

My family visited Utah during different weeks in July. I'm really grateful that I got to see most of them for at least a couple days each - I really love my family. Anyway, when mom, Ben, and I took a trip to Deseret Book, I finally bought myself my favorite church movie ever The Other Side of Heaven. Naturally, I had to watch it immediately, and naturally, I cried the whole time. I love that the same movie I've been watching for a decade can bring back the same strong feelings of the spirit, every time.

There's so many things about that movie I could expound upon forever, but right now I can't stop thinking about the part where the mission president visits Elder Groberg and freaks out at him over not filing forms away for every church ordinance performed and zones set up. That grumpy old man reminds me of me. He attacked John and judged him and had good intentions, but it sure was awful to watch. He said, "A house of God is a house of order." Well, sometimes I act that way, and it's terrible. I know I have good intentions, but I convey them in such a rash manner that it turns people away from wanting anything similar to me. I think my mom understands, bless her heart. The thing is, I freak myself out with worry about having order and a plan that I end up freaking out at others, and regret it every time. Ben is SUCH a good sport about all of this nonsense that I put him through. Ugh. I have so much growing up to do.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a wedding planner. That was my dream job for so long. Now that I'm at the beginning of grown-up life, I've stopped wanting that dream entirely, but still held onto parts of it. For example, I do so badly want to plan everything out. I'm extremely detail-oriented and in need of organization. Of order. I love having a private room in my apartment, because I can be in control of whatever clutter that's going on. I can be in control of my life on my own, and that's such a relief. I got my residency application in today, and was pretty proud of myself for that. But for the most part, all that pride I get comes out of a need for order and a lack of controlling said order up until now. Up until college, when I've been on my own.

My anxiety can prove to be debilitating. But all this talk of control and order isn't all good, either - I've gotta learn to relax once in a while, too. I'll just keep reminding myself to relax, I think. I have to remind myself to be happy and faithful. Because my life is seriously so blessed! I have friends and family who love me. I'm attending an amazing University that has so much to offer. I'm safe. God is watching over me - I know it, because I can feel His spirit with me every day.

Monday, July 4, 2011

oh the joys of 5 days in bed.

Happy Independence Day! Today's gonna be a great one - it HAS to be. Not only is it the first day back into the real world for me, but I get to see my pops and siblings and nieces, and celebrate little Phoebe's 3rd birthday. So this dumb mystery infection/virus better leave me alone quick! 

I've been in bed since last Wednesday, not sure what's wrong with me. Every four hours or so my fever either leaves or comes back with a vengeance. My temperature's been from the low 96's to a high 102.3 and everywhere in between. Saturday night I went into the ER with the worst pain all over, and after 3 hours all the doctors could come up with for me to take is this broad-range antibiotic called Bactrim. And I'm supposed to take it with food and lots of fluids, but oh great! It also causes nausea. Guess who hasn't been keeping anything down since she got outta the hospital? This girl.

But today is a great day. I don't care how I'm feelin today, I'm going to work and I get to see my awesome coworkers and I get picked up by dad at the end of the day, to drive south and be with FAMILY for three whole days. That's Such a luxury for someone who hasn't seen any relatives in 7 months, minus Mariel's family a couple short times. Ben's been the closest thing to family for me while I've been out here and I'm so grateful for that. His family came and picked him up yesterday for a family reunion of their own up in Idaho somewhere, and silly mister sickness so rudely interrupted their visit. Talk about a great impression I made: clammy and shaky and fever on the rise. I didn't even get to say goodbye, properly. I just stumbled out of the car after a half hug and a few broken sentences.


While I'm down in Spanish Fork, we'll move Kaleb into his new apartment and start him off with a fresh batch of college groceries. And then on Wednesday Mariel graduates from Orem Police Academy!! She's perfect for that career path, I know she'll be a great cop. :) Oh, and to top it all off, Thursday morning I drive dad to the airport, and then I GET THE VAN! I get an ACTUAL. VEHICLE. I can't wait!!! I won't be keeping it forever, though. Once school starts up I'm supposed to sell it. But that's okay, I'll take what I can get.

All right, it's 3 in the morning. I think the nausea's dying away, so I think I'll get some more sleep. Goodnight! And have a GREAT fourth of July. I know I will.
Just kidding. Mister sick, you are not my friend ;)

Thursday, June 30, 2011

cold pizza and sleepy tea


Everything hurts. It hurts to move. I've been freezing and burning all day long. I keep waking up in a sweat or with a huge, aching crick in my neck that I can't fix with because it's so swollen I'm afraid I'll break it. Surprisingly, though, there's nothing wrong with my sinuses or stomach. Mom says it's a virus and all I can do is drink and drink and drink. Ben's been taking care of me nonstop, bless his heart. He got me soup and sleepy tea and ginger ale and medicine and warm wash cloths for my poor little forehead. But I've been so darn hungry today, so finally I ordered an extra-large pie an hour before Ben left for his overnight shift at Walmart.

Usually when I'm sick, it's an ENT (ears, nose, and throat) problem. Usually I'm weak and tired and quiet. This time I've been so ridiculous! So demanding and wanting to be up and moving and whiny. So when the pizza delivery boy arrived 15 minutes late with cold food, I was rude. I'll have to call them back up tomorrow and apologize. I had to call in sick to work today, begrudgingly. When I take medicine the pain is bearable. But the moment it wears off, it's a good 7 out of 10 on the pain scale.

I'm just wasting away in bed and on facebook with harry potter movies constantly streaming in the background. I gotta be prepared for this final movie, y'all. I mean, who isn't gonna watch all seven movies leading up to it? (I told you, I'm ridiculous.)

And I miss Beeeeeeennn. He's only been gone an hour and a half. But I don't know what to do without him :'( - oh, and I take back the ginger ale comment that I added to the list of the things he's gotten me. Because he hasn't, yet; but he better, or there Will be consequences. :)

Monday, June 13, 2011

summer serenity

Life moves so slowly.
I feel lonely a lot.
I hardly get to see anyone anymore with my work schedule.
I want to meet more people in my apartment complex.
I might have lost ten pounds recently.
Bycicling daily and extra veggies go a long way.
It's been six months since I've last been home. 
Since I've last seen my mom and dad and grandma.
I miss them.
I decorated my room this weekend. 
That's something, right?
But it is peaceful here. 
I sure get plenty of "me" time.
Plenty of time to spend with God.
And I guess I should cherish the simple life.
Cause I have a feeling it won't be so simple for long.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

5 days too long...

... and that's exactly how long Ben and I stayed broken up. 
I realized I can't live without him.
 And he learned he couldn't ever again let me go.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

summer goals.

1. Ride my bike to and from work without wheezing.

2. Decorate my apartment to make it feel like home.

3. Perform baptisms for the dead at the Logan temple.

4. Be happy again.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

go to sleep.

It's four thirty in the morning and I can't sleep. 

I found this list sometime throughout this sleepless night.

I really want to do this right now. But tonight it's just not happening.

Tomorrow I have work. I'm honestly afraid of this happening to me.

And well, I guess I have nothing of substance to say. 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

my sweetest friend

Hey, blog. It's been a while.
What have I been up to since we've last met? Let's see.

I moved out of the towers WOO! • I successfully avoided the homeless people who kept eyeing our packed car as we made several trips up and down 4 flights of stairs, trying to get everything out of that little room I died my hair "natural dark brown" with a box dye from nice n' easy • Too dark. It looked purple and ashy all at the same time • I furnished my apartment almost completely at the DI. Got some great deals• Went grocery shopping for myself for the very first time • Prices for food were not so great I had orientation for Walmart, with my horrible hair  And I was the only female AND the only one under 35. Oh well  I learned the bus routes to get to my job. And I got a helmet and learned the bike routes for when the bus system is potentially unreliable • A bunch of Korean girls were playing musical roommates in my new apartment. That was fun trying to recognize and get to know several interchanging foreigners each time I came home. The late-night singing of Korean pop tunes was even funner • I woke up to no electricity or running water in my new apartment. Thus, I learned how utilities worked, and how a down payment is typically required • My mother offered to pay to get my hair fixed professionally, and the sweet girl who lightened the purple mess on my head turned into a great new friend! • Said sweet girl also did a great job on my hair. See figure A above ;) • I applied to a call center • I worked at Walmart • I worked some more at Walmart • I made friends at work, thankfully and finally. I was kinda nervous I wouldn't be accepted at the cool table in the break room haha, but all is well with me and my coworkers • I cooked and cleaned and planned out my meals for the week I got a couple flute gigs I settled into my simple summer life.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the best part of all of these things: Ben. He has been there for me throughout everything. He's taught me so much about living on my own, and is always there with love and guidance. I'm a silly naive schoolgirl as of yet, but soon I'll be a domesticated woman! I couldn't have done half of these things without Ben. And especially since so many people move out of this college town for the summer, life could have been way lonely without him. Not like I know nobody else in this whole town - but there's no one else I'd rather be with. After all this time, all of our ups and downs, he's still my sweetest friend. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

an understanding

“We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.”
-C.S. Lewis

It's almost 3 am again and I'm in my dorm sitting on my bed, curled up in my sheets, alone. It's halfway through finals week - I got an A on my keyboard final on Monday! Later on today I'll have wind orchestra rehearsal for commencement on Saturday, and then tomorrow I have two more finals. All of my clothes save what I need for the week are packed away. Most of my shoes and room decorations have been packed, too. I'm ready to get out of here. 

I guess I used that quote tonight because I'm sort of at a point of uncertainties, and a lot of times writing in my blog helps sort out the fog in my brain. I've already written in my journal and wrote a letter to a dear friend, but I still have the writing bug. How ironic is it that my life feels like a big question mark, when I have so many things secured for me right now? I've got multiple employments, a great apartment, a great relationship, lower tuition in the bag, and a brand new bicycle. I hear the ward I'm moving into for the summer is a strong one, and I'm looking forward to it. But this isn't supposed to happen. I should feel content; instead I feel kinda miserable, ungrateful, and embarrassed for my selfishness. Somehow I can't seem to be appreciative enough.

Maybe once the rush of moving and settling and immediately juggling jobs will help clear my brain fog. Also, I'm attending FOUR weddings next week! Count em: Whitney & Nate, Catherine & Alex, Sean & Kelli, and Tiffany & Michael. I'm beginning to think that all that matrimony is starting to stress me out. It's wonderful, righteous, eternal, and an amazing thing to do. But it's not a part of my life right now. I can't let myself get jealous of all of my bride-to-be girlfriends, and keep telling myself that, in due course, my time will come. Everything's seriously fine. Better than: life is fantastic. I guess I just keep forgetting.

Friday, April 29, 2011

stress in f clef

Today's kind of a big day. And oh look! It's snowing outside - grr. Isn't may in two days? Anyway, today I have my very last class (potentially) of keyboard harmony. I'm also volunteering to help out with this high school band thing going on at the fac. Then, after wind orchestra, I have juries. Following juries is our last concert of the semester. So like I said, big day.

My juries aren't stressing me out - last night I practiced for a solid hour and a half and everything I went through seemed to go well. What I'm the most worried about it my Keyboard final Monday morning. If I don't get at least a 140, I fail the class. Bass clef just plain sucks! I took piano for 5 years in my childhood, but once I got to college, it was as if I've never looked below middle C. Also, I play some euphonium music in that clef, but Dr. Wheeler catches my contempt for f clef and gives me any music he can find in g clef instead. 

Thursday, April 28, 2011


The spirit has always, always, been a strong presence in my life. A lot of times in my past I can recall its words directed at me. Mostly though, I get deep impressions that feel like judgment, but I know isn't coming from me. And for the longest time, the spirit has been urging me to pursue something I didn't originally want to pursue, for unknown reasons. Or so I thought. Tonight, I felt an aggressive, complete opposite prompting than my usual, with this thing. I heard the voice telling me to "get out and go home" very distinctly. I was so surprised with how firm He was, how different of a prompting this was compared to my usual. Upon leaving the premises, I was very calm and comforted, but once I got out of there, anxiety overwhelmed my person. I got to my room, still in a shuddering panic. I stopped breathing and pretty much knocked myself out from sheer lack of oxygen. It has taken me a good two hours to calm down now, and I'm sure the shock of the situation will keep me up all night. Could the spirit have really been fooling me all along? Have I really been led away from the spirit and been following other promptings? Or was this all supposed to be a test? Was it something He wanted me to go through, until this one random, insignificant moment when He tells me to all of a sudden"get out"? I don't agree, and I don't understand. I'm so upset and exasperated and confused. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

elegy of an uprooting

My computer hasn't been letting me on my blog these last few days, claiming there was malicious software stored in the html add-ons. Basically, my blog crashed. I simply had no choice but to alter the format and make it like new! These last couple of hours have been dedicated here. I hope you like the way things look now. :)

On another separate and dissonant note, I leave the dorms in ten days. Next Saturday. What's funny about that, is I'm not sad to see it go. I'm not afraid of all the goodbyes I'll have to give. I'm so ready to get out of here, even though it's been way good to me. 

I live in the towers on Utah State's central campus. Here, we have required meal plans and a daily janitor, which means two big things: I don't own kitchen equipment or any household cleaning supplies. Not to mention, I have no groceries, not even cereal. I've been relying on the school system. This means I will be needing to buy a boatload of, Everything, once I move out. To make this more convenient, I don't even have a car! Last August upon moving in here, I brought 5 pieces of luggage filled with my life, and then proceeded to get two Walmart shopping carts full of more stuff. Haha - this is going to be fun...

I've got some help from a few friends and Benjamin, but to be honest I've been stressing about the location switch a lot lately. My small towers dorm is bursting with my things and I can only hope to God that I can manage to pack up and organize it all, manageably. I'm not even worried about juries or finals anymore! But I haven't been practicing flute or keyboard hardly enough, at the same time. That's not normal, is it?

Monday, April 25, 2011

c'est belle

I've been keeping a collection of paintings I love, via iPhoto. If I could have anything in the whole world right now, it would be an original oil-on-canvas work of art. Oil is sublime; watercolors aren't too shabby either, I suppose. Here are just a few of my favorites. 

Friday, April 22, 2011

...aand we're back!

Hello, blog world. 
Lent is over, and here I am.

I'm really looking forward to blogging again. I'm not going to challenge myself with deadlines and subject restraints anymore :P even though it was pretty gratifying, knowing I successfully completed the 30-dayer. These last couple of months, honestly, haven't been very eventful. Just lots of school and music and boyfriend. Lots of happiness, with a good amount of stress, too. But I won't go into the mundane details.


Tonight I used up the last of the products I snagged at Sally's back in February. It seems like everybody evacuated the towers for the weekend, or at least for Friday night. I got home after dinner, settling in to another calm evening, when I spontaneously decided to do my roots all by myself. I've had my hair blonde for almost 5 months now.. wow. Recently, a lot of people (including my family) have been criticizing my unnatural color and pretty much begging me to go brown again. I was getting so much flack, that I almost did what people told me to do. I was planning on rounding up a box dye at Walmart tomorrow when Ben and I go for easter egg supplies. But here's the thing: regardless of what people say, even if it's mama, I hold dominion over my own life. I have plans for my blonde hair; I've had them ever since I spontaneously bleached it in the first place. I wanted to be blonde for a semester, and I promised myself I'd go natural before band camp in the fall. So screw it, opinions on my facebook wall! And I love you, family, but you're going to have to live with a platinum for a little while longer. 

Not only did I do my hair by myself, but I did a great job on it, too. And I've decided to make this a night of self-pampering, which has been lovely. Hair, check. Exfoliating body & taking a bubble bath, check. Nails & blog post, in progress. 

I have finals a week from Monday, and juries in six days. Soon my freshman year of college will be over, and I'll have another four months of mostly down time, in Logan. I got a couple part-time jobs with the University, after months of persistence. But neither of those employments will keep me very busy. I'm not used to free time! Instead of lazing away this summer, though, I really want to focus on self-improvement. I want to get organized, healthy, and centered. Not to say that my life is in chaos, because I'm seriously so happy right now. I'm in love and I'm on track for my dream career and I'm settled right into the Utah lifestyle. However, there are certain things I've noticed, especially throughout the end of this semester, that needs improvement. For example, I've let some of my friends take advantage of my generosity by being passive and accepting, and I feel like I'm being walked on and disrespected. I need to create a pattern of assertiveness in my life, without coming across as a biotch. 

Anyway, I have to get to bed. Writing this evening has been way refreshing! All it's missing is a good, memorable picture. I found this one last week on StumbleUpon, and I couldn't stop laughing. The caption to the photo was "dog picks bad spot to lay down - what dog could possibly resist a bundle of sticks?" Enjoy below... ;)

Friday, March 4, 2011

so long, and thanks for all the fish

30. A picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge.

I started this blog [challenge] on February 3rd. Since then, A lot of amazing things have happened to me. I have so much to be grateful for. Let me count the ways...

- Valentine's Day! I dressed in all pink, white, and red, and my valentine dressed up for me, too. We went about a normal monday school day without seeing each other, but he called me awake and called me all day after that, leaving me sweet voicemails and cute texts. I finally saw my love before wind orchestra, briefly, and I could hardly contain my excitement. After class we exchanged gifts and then went to an early dinner. It was so simple and perfect.

- Summer job offers. This summer we've got a couple of options, which is great. I don't feel nervous about my near future at all, financially speaking that is.

- Reconnecting with my grandmom. Before I wrote that post about her, it had been several weeks since I've spoken to her. And before that, I would talk to her almost every day. Being able to hear her voice again was such bliss, I forgot how terribly I missed that woman. Since that blog post, I've been talking with her much more often. It's been just like back in the day, and I plan to keep it like that.

- Solidifying my priorities a little better. I've always had them pretty disorderly in my youth, even though I knew what I wanted out of life and what I needed to do. This semester, and more specifically these last 30 days, I've put my self sermon into effect: with balancing le boyfriend, instrumental practice hours, personal time, and study time, I have felt more satisfied than ever before. Not to say that things have been flawless, no no no. But now I'm pretty sure my conscience has been pleased with my decisions on a daily basis. I feel more in control than ever before. And that's a pretty good feeling.

- Understanding and experiencing the notion of true love. Life has been so incredibly happy and fulfilling ever since I got back together with Ben. Never would I have believed this would be our turnout. I am so in love! And I'm so comfortable. and grateful. and lucky. Before this very colorful college relationship of ours, I had a preconceived notion of what love was. I thought I knew, but I had no idea. 

Okay, so there's my five good things, and that's me today around 1 o'clock. Goodbye for now. I'll write again sometime after April 23rd. I promise to keep away from here until then!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

it's been quite the journey

I am so done with blogging! In the best way possible. I realize there are many different lists out there and ways of challenging fellow bloggers. This is my list. It's incomplete, as I've left out the last day, which is tomorrow's subject. Here you can check out what I’ve accomplished over the last month, and maybe decide to use this list to take the challenge upon yourselves. After tomorrow, I know I'm taking a break from the blog world – I’m going to use this future withdrawal of mine as what I'm giving up for lent. I'm not Catholic, but I don't have to be to follow this great practice of sacrifice. And maybe I'm cheating because what I'm giving up I'm pretty sick of as it is, but I think that after a couple of days I'm probably going to yearn to write again. I think I'm probably addicted, so only time will tell if I can withstand this next challenge of blogging abstinence. I looked up the dates of lent and it said it ends on Saturday, April 23rd. Although lent doesn't technically begin until March 9th, I'm seriously done after tomorrow. 

13. Goals

aaaaand finally...
(continuous drumroll ‘til tomorrow.)

from the lamp itself

Day 29: 3 Wishes.

Umm, lets see. 
One, I'd like to be able to never have to worry about money again. I would live within average means, but for once, I would love to know I'll be okay financially.

Two, I want to fly. I would wish for a pair of wings that I could use at my pleasure. When I was a little girl I had these recurring dreams where I went about a normal day but I would be hovering feet away from the ground. The ability to fly would be ideal.

And three? More wishes? No, that's lame. I don't know, maybe to have a healthy life. I've already been fairly fortunate in that field, so this wish seems wasted. But I dunno, health is a big deal.


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