Friday, January 28, 2011

just to clear the air

I really want to let everyone know some key, crucial things. Things that I wrote about, that I was wrong about. So everyone can stop judging.

What happened in my relationship with Ben had some crazy ups and downs over the course of the last 6 weeks or so, but the details really aren't the world's business. What is important is that Ben never cheated on me. I wrongly publicized that he did do that, but he did not cheat. I may have been led to believe that by some person, but in this aftermath, it's very clear that Ben was never legitimately unfaithful. I used that information, the idea that he may have done that to me, as my validation for playing the victim, and that was wrong. I would not go back to someone who had cheated on me, for everyone's information. I am really sorry, world. I'm really sorry, Ben, for saying untrue things. I'm young, I'm naive, whatever, but I know that I would NOT have invested so much time into someone with poor character. I know that, and Ben truly has incredible character. He's gotten a bad rep, but I won't dare let that define him. He is remarkable and humble and loving. He has GOOD intentions and I'm not naively saying these things. I was really angry and ignorant and I said a lot of crap on my blog and in person about him, and I'm really sorry! I was angry when I called him a lowlife and awful and that was awful of me to do such terrible, permanent actions. I'm not gonna go and erase those posts, but instead I just want to apologize and vow to never bash on people that I love again. Online especially.

And another thing, if you haven't already read between the lines, I love Ben. I love him very much, and have loved him for quite some time now. And I'm not ashamed.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

that 30 day challenge...

A couple of my girlfriends have started doing this blogging thing where we have to post something every day for 30 days, and there are different guidelines for each day. It's been super fun to watch them go through that, and it's really interesting, and I'm tempted to do it myself. The thing is, there's so much personal stuff I like writing about, and tangents I go on. I'm afraid I'll fail miserably at keeping up with that challenge, even though I've pretty much posted every day for the last like, 20 days. Also, we would need to have internet access every day, and I keep thinking about how this weekend I'm going to Evanston again with Ben, for 3 days, and won't have a way to get online every day. Either that or I wouldn't want to spend my time online at his place, I adore his sisters and parents and puppy and I'm really looking forward to our reunion. So, I think I'm going to start that challenge sometime next week. I'm not completely set on it. But I reserve the right to skip a day if needs be... But I'll try my best not to!

On another note, if you're reading this and thinking, what the heck Elena's back together with Ben?! Then, I'll let you know right now that he and I are not officially dating. We reconciled a week ago and we are working through some things at the moment. We have our reasons to go back to his home this weekend, too. But I don't need to disclose the whole story. It's actually an amazing story. But if you really wanna know, ask me in person, or give me a phone call. I'll be delighted to tell you that way. Honestly, 'The Notebook' ain't got nothin' on me.

Oh. And I'm gonna write a book. I've already started. Cool, huh?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I'm dying.

I woke up this morning at 6 and I've been running around all day, with no food, until 7, and then didn't get home until 11. I had 9 hours of class and then 3 hours of practice and an hour of homework time. I can't believe how productive and exhaustive I've been today. I performed in masterclass today my unaccompanied Telemann Fantasy and the style of the movement I had to convey was supposed to be affectionate. It took my audience 4 run-throughs to even get close to guessing the correct emotion. My professor told me that she thinks I'm too wound up and not affectionate enough. She told me my assignment for the week was to practice being more affectionate! Wow. The girls were describing the music I played as a conversation between lovers. One commented on how when you love someone, you want to be with them forever, and not just say "Hey how are you I'm gonna go watch tv and do this and be busy and bye," like how I was playing it. Not to say that I was nervous or unprepared for that performance, but I was totally off. I couldn't convey affection. I thought about how I'm trying to protect myself and hold back on affection for the time being. But I could have given them tons of excuses!

Excuses are for the weak. This is college.
Wake up!


I'd like to introduce myself to you

One letter, one syllable, one word at a time
I would like to take things slow with you
Play get to know with you
Like I've never been allowed to do before

I want to capture those butterflies
And release them into skies of us
Me and You
My Mr. Right that paid my attention in full
That can simmer in the quiet between our glances

He would never waste our second chances
Because we are what time well spent is

I would like to introduce myself to you
Spell me out with big doe eyes 
That only you can read into
That only you would take the years to understand

And looking back
You see me for who I am

Unadorned by outside exteriors
You cloak me in the reassurance that you are here 
Here in each moment that I need you

Romance is not a sometimes occurrence
Not shown with roses or kisses
No, Romance is a friendship
A relationship with time

Romance is in the locked eyes we gaze into
I can't wait to meet you
I would like to introduce myself to you

-Amanda Ramsey

Sunday, January 23, 2011


I know that which the Lord hath commanded me, and I glory in it. I do not glory of myself, but I glory in that which the Lord hath commanded me; yea, and this is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance; and this is my joy. 
-Alma 29:9

hilarious, adorable

I found these pictures on Mariel's facebook today. I don't think I've laughed out loud by myself so hard before. Helena is hilarious and adorable.

Saturday, January 22, 2011


In a perfect world, the weather man is always right.
Stickers always peel off clean.
Someone always has a pen.
People respond to texts immediately.
The pencil lead does not break off while you sharpen it.
The perforated page tears out clean every time.
The other sock never goes missing.
There is always milk for the cereal.
Markers do not bleed through the page.
The most wrinkled dollars are accepted by machines.
Bags of chips are all-the-way full.
All of the popcorn kernels pop.
Allergies do not exist.
The shoe will always come in your size.
The driver in front of you always remembers to signal.
Paper jams never happen.
AM and PM never get mixed up on the alarm clock.
There is always an available power outlet.
The battery is always full at the right time.
The omelette never breaks in the pan while you cook it.
That thing you want comes in your favorite color.
The chapstick never disappears.

But we don't live in a perfect world. We live in a flawed environment. That doesn't mean life has to suck, we don't have to choose to see the flaws, we can have the opinion that the world is a beautiful place where beauty eternally flows.

I remember when I first got involved with 'seminar' in the third grade. It was a class set aside for the smart kids! I thought I was so cool. But back to the point, our teacher Mrs. Donnelly made it a class rule that whenever we weren't able to solve a logic problem or puzzle or riddle or question, we weren't allowed to say it was hard. Instead, we were only allowed to use the word challenging to express our academic frustrations. It was a social norm to give up easily and to complain a lot - I guess it currently is a social norm. But in seminar, failure was not an option. Back in those three years of taking that class, us little guys did huge research projects on countries and made documentaries about different architecture and created blueprints and conducted interviews and an endless amount of high level work. And we all did well, and it's because our teacher didn't let us give up. I was a rowdy child, but I learned focus and success through consistent positivity.

I think, in times like these, when the bad is bearing down on us, we should make it a rule that we're not allowed to say it's hard. Failure's not an option. We can cry a little, that's okay. But then we've got to stop. All we need to do is calm down, regroup, observe, and focus. And life's success will come.

Friday, January 21, 2011

knowing when to grow

Going to college, I learn a lot. That's pretty obvious. But it's not just the academics, it's the human dynamic, the social maturity levels, and the hard facts of life. In the last 24 hours a lot has occurred to me:

I learned that when I stay up until 5 in the morning, there's no chance I'll make it to an 8 am class (...well, I knew that already. I was just dumb enough to test my self control again). I learned that when I have a performance midday, I should never wear 5 inch heels out, and instead should bring em along extra if they're really necessary for the outfit I've got on. I learned that my embouchre is better suited for the tuba after all, and not euphonium like I've insisted for so many years now. I learned that when I stop going after boys, they come after me all at the same time. I learned that I can't hate people, no matter how much I want to.

I learned that whenever I love another person, I can't stop loving them, no matter how drastically I remove myself from that relationship, no matter how much wrong they've done to me. Like my siblings for example, I've been feeling a burning love for each of them all day today, remembering us as we all grew up. I can't be sure that my three younger siblings love me, because I haven't seen or felt the love. They have each done a great deal of wrong to me, and I'm pretty sure they each are not intending on mending our relationships any time soon. But even if Kaleb never wants to get along for the rest of our lives, I will still love him. Even if Camille blocks me on facebook and complains about me to everybody, I'll still think about how beautiful she is and how I wish I could be her very own best friend. When Olivia kicks me out of bed in the middle of the night, I'll remember the nights when she wasn't a tween and we played the best, most spontaneous games of improv and adventure.

I love you. Those three words are tossed around so chaotically. But I am reluctant to say them, unless I seriously, strongly love the person. And so, if I've ever told you I love you, know that I still do, and I really meant it. I don't like to love everybody, so know that you're special to me, if you've heard it from me before.

Regardless of my love, I have to know when to move on. It's poisonous to keep at a conversation with Camille in the wrong mood. It's destructive to force time together with my brother. It's practically selling my soul to get back into a relationship that caused me that much heartache. Because I want to fix things, but the truth is, these people are plain incapable of reciprocating what I deserve. Growing and getting through these challenges isn't for the faint of heart, though. Lucky for me, I've had some weirdly, supernaturally resilient heart put in my chest as a replacement for the beaten and battered one barely surviving before. I can feel God's hand helping me through the muckity muck. Mind you, it's intensely painful to distance myself from those loved ones. But this way, I'm protecting myself for a change, and learning how to feel safe.

I have loved you, I love you now, and I will always love you. People say people fall out of love. That sucks for them; I'm not that kind of people. I'm never gonna stop loving you. But goodbye anyway, and I'm sorry we didn't work out.

... and I'm not angry anymore. Hallelujah.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

intimacy, strengths, and diversity

I'm lying on the floor with my headphones on in my friend's apartment, reading up on marriages and family relationships, for this breadth course I'm enrolled in this semester. I think it's very appropriate reading material for my current situation. Right now I'm learning about the three themes of marriage, which is the title of this post. I totally agree that close proximity is crucial to forming a healthy bond between you and your [future] spouse. I also never took such an optimistic viewpoint on the sanction of marriage before: this textbook is way attitude boosting and encouraging. It's refreshing to see the hope again, even if it's not quite coming from me yet.

I'm also taking "Climate Change" as my second breadth. The professor is so passionate about science, I love it! Science was my least favorite subject growing up, I never did well in it, but I find myself calling out answers and getting wrapped up in the controversies discussed in the lectures. School is so incredibly satisfying for me, moreso than ever before.. Because I get to spend every day playing my flute (and now baritone, too, because I started taking lessons!), and sing and participate and dwell with other music lovers at the beloved FAC. And on top of that, I have classes outside of music that I thrive off of. Which has never happened before: I have such a strong desire to be as studious as possible.

I have a lot of things going for me. New everything. :)

Monday, January 17, 2011

king of anything

go down to the bottom of the page and turn off the music...

keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
while I look outside
so many things I'd say if only I were able
but I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

you've got opinions, man
we're all entitled to 'em
but I never asked

so let me thank you for your time
and try not to waste any more of mine
get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
but I'm not drowning
there's no one here to save

who cares if you disagree? you are not me
who made you king of anything?
so, you dare tell me who to be
who died and made you king of anything?

you sound so innocent
all full of good intent
swear you know best
but you expect me to jump up on board with you
ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
with no direction, oh
but you'll never see
you're so busy making masks
with my name on it in all caps
you've got the talking down
just not the listening


all my life I've tried
to make everybody happy while I just hurt and hide
waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn
to decide

(chorus x2)

...let me hold your crown, babe.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

"I" statements

I am angry.
I don't want to feel angry anymore.

I want to let go, let go of the past, the hurt, all of the emotions, whether they be positive or negative, on top of this anger. I have a life apart from this anger, and I want to live it, and stop being so distracted by the things that I can't seem to let go of. I don't want to talk about it anymore, I want to move ahead. I'm having recurring nightmares about what my anger's surrounding, and it sucks that my subconscious is focusing on my anger alone.

I don't think I've been this angry for so long, I'm used to forgiving others and moving on. I was good at it, I don't know what happened.. my pride has held me back, I guess. 

I feel powerless and chalk FULL of emotion. Of anger. I need to figure out how to get rid of this. I've talked about forgiveness with my friends a lot recently, and for some reason I'm not able to grasp it competently anymore. I might have lost myself. That scares me.

Saturday, January 15, 2011


Be the person you wanna find :
Don't be a nickel out there,
lookin' for a dime.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I have two quizzes tomorrow.

So, I'm in the library, reading the textbooks on reserve. Because I'm too poor to purchase the books right now. 

And I'm emailing Leslie, my flute professor, laying down the 411 on a split recital I'm doing with Rachel in April. And I'm emailing some other teachers, letting them know I'm going to be out of town next friday and I'll be missing their classes. I'll be in NEW YORK, to be specific. For a military ball

Yep, I'm bragging. I'm so. excited. to go.

Oh. And right now I'm blogging and not studying. So I'm going to go do some more of that instead.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Hahaha, I love that ad. Goes along nicely with some previous conversations today! Haha, It's really nice having lunch with ten of your closest friends on a daily basis. Today's lunch was especially exciting, as you can tell by the title. I won't go into the details, but let's just say it was an exciting time of day for some people ;) ... Tuesdays are my craziest, as they are for most people. I had three classes this morning, and five more this afternoon/tonight. I have nine hours of class time, with a 90 minute break for lunch. It's not bad though. I love my schedule this semester! Not too heavy, five credits shorter than last semester, but I think I still want to add either brass ensemble or percussion ensemble, since I do have experience in both. I did drumline and pit in ninth grade, and I've been playing the baritone for three years now.


Sunday, January 9, 2011

free rocks

Did you know you can get rocks for free on ksl? Hmm, those might be useful... You can also find some killer texting buddies, hahaha. Tonight was so much fun! I seriously missed these girls I'm living with. sigh. I'm gonna call it a night soon, after I finish up this post. I feel there are a few things I need to say.

There are plenty of things wrong with me. I'm overweight, my skin is getting worse, I'm terrible at arguing any point whatsoever. When people have wronged me I get hostile. I sleep far too much for my own good and let my laundry, among other things, build up beyond managing point. I am uncertain in my testimony of the gospel. I cry all the time, I'm such a baby. I'm very naive and am wrongfully trusting of untrustworthy individuals. I'm addicted to the internet. I have a good deal of anxiety and so I allow all this negative to consume my focus. So, I like to plan parties, or any type of event. Tonight I put together this secret santa shindig and there were some details gone wrong. I allowed that to get me down for a good amount of the time. I always do that. I so badly want everything to be perfect, so whenever life happens, I subconsciously choose to wallow in the negativity. And I'm an idiot for doing so.

Having said that, I'm also a human being, and having negative qualities is part of the deal. There's not one day where I'm totally innocent of wrongdoings, and if you think I think I'm wonderful, you can think again. I may have been self righteous in the past, I may be in the future. But I don't want to justify myself anymore. I am going to be my flawed self and I'm gonna continue to live my life in tons of sin. (Hey, so are you.) I've blamed others for my problems, but...

Eventually I'll deal with my own issues, on my own time. At this point in my life, it's all up to me, and it's nobody else's right to tell me what to do. I am aware of my mistakes, but right now, I'm still in the process of getting over everything, and I reject your chastisement for what I'm already aware of. Whatever backlash I've received for my blogging about my life and Ben in it, however minimal, is also pointless, because there's nothing you can say that's going to affect me. I've looked at love from both sides now, and I absolutely understand what happened. I own my actions entirely and there's nothing more to do than get over myself and walk away. Well, I've been focusing on it quite a lot these last few days, because of the prospect of seeing him in person for the first time since finding everything out. Hopefully I'll get the first encounter out of the way tomorrow.

School starts, tomorrow. I'm still in fight or flight mode, I think, so I have mixed emotions about how well I'm going to handle myself in that situation. I'll probably think about those free rocks on ksl. And then I'll hum that destiny's child song. I'm already psyching myself out. But everything is going to be okay. I have a plan for this semester, and it's going to rock! After this drama is dealt with, my life will be amazing again.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


I am seriously messed up, with sleep. I fell asleep at 9:30 in the morning and woke up at 3 pm. In my defense, I was up all night scanning in what amounts to 2400 pictures onto the computer. I made digital copies of all the pictures our family has ever taken - it was my mother's belated christmas gift. I promised her I would do it, so last night I finally mustered up the motivation to accomplish that feat. However, I am now screwed with my energy levels in the daytime. And my asthma and allergies have been acting up. It feels like the roots of all of the hair on my body are sore. Each time I get goosebumps, it's painful. I can't walk in straight lines and my vision is blurring in and out. Earlier this evening I was on the phone with the guy who repaired my dented flute, and the whole time I was stuttering and tripping over everything I had to say. It was probably the most embarrassing conversation I've ever had! Afterwards, my mom, Mariel, and I all had a good laugh. I really have poor control over my body when I'm sleep deprived!

Anyway, in a few hours I leave for Utah. I'm looking forward to that elevator ride to my floor of the towers. Seeing everybody again. I'll probably make a trip to the music building to re-stock my locker with piccolos and flutes and sheet music and various other supplies. No matter what, though, I am GOING TO BED early tonight!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

kicks & giggles

I can't wait to watch Anchorman with Rob & Nick! I have been looking forward to this movie for MONTHS and finally I found someone who owns a copy of the dvd. Saturday night couldn't come any faster :) ... Except, maybe it could, because I still have a lot to do: 

  • purchase my secret santa gift,
  • drive around philly to say some last minute goodbyes, 
  • pack up, 
  • scan and organize all the pictures our family has taken over the last 25 years,
  • piece together a fhe calendar for the next four months,
  • schedule a meeting with my roommate and RA,
  • quite possibly move dorm rooms,
  • and settle back down into student life at Utah State.

Not sleeping when the sun goes down isn't helping my productivity level, I'll tell you that much.

Monday, January 3, 2011


Okay, so I pulled an all-nighter. I've been almost doing that all break long, my brain's been pushing me longer and longer each night, straining and wanting me to figure out some sort of resolve, I guess. But last night was the first time I really did it. I was almost asleep when 6:30 rolled around and my three younger siblings all quietly started getting ready for school and getting out the door. Camille and Olivia were eating something, and the smells woke me up for good. When mom asked me why I was awake, I mumbled something incoherent, lying by omission that I actually closed my eyes last night. Then everybody left us two in the kitchen. And finally, everything came out.

Besides the quick tears from minor fighting I did with my family, I haven't cried over break. I've been extremely numb. I didn't deal with my grief. But now I am. This morning, I sat down with my mother and I cried to her. I told her about my anger and my heartbreak and my indignation. I trembled and shook with the release of so much that was pent up. I'm still shaking now. The questions I have, that I know the answers to... I feel like shouting them at him. I deserve a better explanation than just "I'm sorry". 

You can laugh at my dramatic-ness, or my weird way of putting my words together. I'm laughing at myself. I don't care, though. I used to care a lot about a lot of things. I don't wanna care anymore. I want, so badly, to stop caring and to push through this emotional nonsense. 

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Saturday, January 1, 2011

my namesake

Here is my niece, Helena.

She is four years old, and I love her.

 Every morning (of winter break) when I wake up, I'm greeted with a great big hug and kiss from my angel namesake. Throughout the days I spend with the child, I'm showered with love. 

Helena is so smart, too! I left my laptop out at the table, and she opened up photobooth and started taking silly pictures of herself, just for fun.

 "You know what, lena? I love you." Is something she likes to say when she's bored.

Usually when I'm busy with something, I'm surprised with her leaping onto my person and giving me hugs around the neck.

  This girl, I admit, is my favorite four year old ever.

here's the thing

I sang this song at my high school's cabaret last spring...

 & then this morning in the shower it popped into my head again, so randomly. 

This lady's range is incredible, I remember working really hard to master those high notes. Hearing it now gives it a whole new meaning, which for me is mostly bittersweet. I love this song. Go to the bottom of my page and pause the music down there, so you can fully appreciate The Story :)


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