Wednesday, March 21, 2012

warm fuzzies

Life has been treating me SO WONDERFULLY lately. I'm so blessed.

I feel caught up in all my classes, I have a program list for my upcoming Junior recital and have already begun work on it, I have a great deal of the wedding planning completed, and my relationships with everyone around me have been thriving. In wind orchestra today, I was playing an old Haynes flute that Leslie let me borrow, because mine is in the shop, and I didn't even feel at a disadvantage - rather, I heard pitch tendencies for the first time! And was able to stay in tune!! And matched my tone with the other flutes  and felt so proud. Also, I just have to say how much I love wind-o. I had goosebumps throughout the whole 90 minutes, and couldn't help beaming at all of Dr. Rohrer's cheesy puns and whatnot. I had a fabulous date night with Ben and we both were giggling and cuddling each other all evening long. He just barely tucked me into bed, and I couldn't be happier than I am right now.

Oh. And I'm super stoked to be VP of the band service sorority, Tau Beta Sigma. Just recently got elected! :D

Sunday, March 11, 2012

shout out

Back in the day, when we had an array of lovely ladies lead our YW's group in Broomall, I had the chance to get know this awesome woman, Katie Dudley. Unfortunately, I never really found out about her amazing photography skills until after she moved away. Here's my chance to get to see her again! Katie Dudley's giving away a free mini-session on March 24th!

Click HERE for more details and for your chance to win, too!!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

way too early in the morning.

I have a problem.

I want to say it's insomnia, but doesn't insomnia mean you Can't sleep? Like at all? Because I sleep all right, just never when I'm supposed to. Like for instance, right now, the time is 3:20 in the morning. I've been in bed since 11, and all I've done is check facebook and pinterest and aggiemail and the bank.

Other than that, I have been laying here, thinking, about everything. About when is a good time to go get engagements done and who to book (if any) for videographers and how dusty the ceiling fan will be by my head in the top bunk of Olivia's room when we go there for spring break and if I should get my ring sized again because the weight of the diamond keeps making it droop to either side. I think about changing the reception from the pavilion to a stake center and what we'd possibly need for decorations and where my family's gonna stay while in Utah and how much plane tickets are going to cost for us to fly out there again for an open house. I think about all the chapters of textbooks I'm behind in, in my 4 classes with actual textbook readings, and the powerpoint of pop pop's assets that I need to finish and send to my brother and the contracts I need to sign and re-word and when I'm going to ever get back down to Provo to clean it all up and what's going to happen when the realtor sells the property. I'm stuck in a daydream, IN MY DARN BED AT NIGHTTIME, considering training schedule adjustments for my half marathon and what food I want to prepare for the week and how many minutes I'm going to need this time to be presentable in school the next day.

The problem with that, is I hardly get to my first (sometimes second or third) class of the day because after staying up til the umpteenth hour of the night, I can't wake up until a terribly late hour! And I hate it! I'm doing fine in classes, but I could be doing Great, and I keep feeling so stupid because of this dumb habit I've gotten myself into. I have melatonin supplements that I sometimes take, too, but I fight em off now, nearly every time. This Sunday I even missed church: I fell asleep finally around 6 am and slept through 1 o'clock in the afternoon. Last night, my body wouldn't shut down until SUNRISE, and wasn't awake until noon, when Ben came to get me.

I have a lot going on, but why should I make that an excuse? Everybody has a lot going on, don't they? Everybody has problems, I'm just ranting about mine. I know this is terrible and I expect more from myself and as this has been getting worse I feel like such a failure. Yeah, I'm taking 18 credits of school this semester; I'm managing the family property down in Provo, whilst finding new tenants for two apartments; I'm responsible for selling and getting rid of all of pop pop's stuff he left behind down there. Not only that, I am getting married in five months. And I feel like I'm planning the entire event single-handedly. What I need is to delegate, and to relentlessy list-write, and to pace myself. I couldn't write it all out and organize my tasks in a timely manner, because that task alone would take me days to get done!

I think I'm going to try meditation or something. Or maybe even read some textbooks in bed - those would surely knock me out. (Right?)

Saturday, October 29, 2011

happy thoughts

I just finished watching two chick flicks in a row. And it's 2 o'clock in the morning. It's really true that late nights get you sentimental.

The first movie I watched was Bridesmaids. Kristen Wiig was so pathetic and I loved her because of that. I cried a little bit watching her humble relationship with her bride-to-be, best-girlfriend towards the end. And the second movie was Crazy, Stupid, Love. I clicked on it immediately because it had Steve Carell in it, of course. I was so impressed with this movie because even though it had an enormous cast of high profile actors, I didn't hate it. It was serious and conflicting and sad. And wonderful. But I probably am liking both of these so much because I'm such a sponge and am terribly emotional; I sop up every bit of chick flick I can get.

This crazy stupid love film got me so jealous of all the perfect looking people in all of the multiple relationship scenarios it followed. How could Emma Stone get a guy like Ryan Gosling? Not possible, in real life. They're both unbelievable, but way too different for reality. In what world would all of this happen? And why would I be jealous of anyone else's life?

And then it hit me. I'm not jealous at all. I just worry that my life's never okay because it's not perfect. I'm not unhappy with my life one bit! So who cares if the guy from the bar she falls in love with has washboard abs, years of practice womanizing, and a crazy tan? That girl with that guy will never have my happiness.

I get worried on a daily basis, mildly. Some days worse than others. But I always come back to thinking about perfection and battling with it, in my mind. I constantly feel like I have to hold my breath and sort of shut down in order to accept the fact that things can be imperfect. That immaturity and smudges and exaggerations in conversations are okay. Not getting along every once in a while is, in fact, human. I pride myself on having high standards, but now I think, I've been defaulting to expect perfection. And doing that, I will never be satisfied.

I have anxiety - whatever. I understand. All my years I've been obsessed with love, though. And I've never been satisfied with how I saw it in reality. I was never okay with how my parents fought and still cleaned the kitchen together after dinner. I got indignant watching cousins argue and shove and still kissing everybody goodnight before heading down to grandmon's house. I didn't think it was good enough, because it was so imperfect: too much negative mixed in with the positive.

When I got to high school, I had boyfriends. Every single boy I dated, though, I felt terrible with. As soon as I went into "contract" with them, telling each other we were "officially together," I felt trapped, suffocated, unhappy, and most of all, confused for all those other feelings. Because I wanted to love, but anything that could go wrong ended up driving me away.

Now, tonight, this year, and forever, I'm in love. I'm in it real deep. And honestly, sometimes when things are so very obviously imperfect, I choke up and feel scared and confused and think I should run away. Most often it's all the times when I screw up. Yeah, sometimes I'm a real, pathetic coward. Sometimes I feel like I'm the least important thing in the room. I think about my sister getting divorced at age 22 and wanna be angry and tell everybody that love's not worth it. Sometimes when I'm on the phone with Ben and he starts talking in a southern-new yorkan-british accent and tries to rap, I cringe a little inside, haha. But movies aren't real, and perfection's waiting for us only in heaven. And I can still cherish my moments of nirvana. I still get to cry happy tears and think happy thoughts about the countless sweet, happy kisses that were planted on my head today. Emma Stone may have been paid to look perfect side-by-side with Ryan Gosling, but I've got someone eons better than any movie. I get my very own someone, who I get to spend the eons with. And that is a happy thought.


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