Friday, December 31, 2010

new years

"The New Year is the day that marks the beginning of a new calendar year. It's always a great time for me because I get to start fresh. I can leave so much of the BS from the past year exactly where it belongs: in the past. That jury notice I got a few weeks ago? No longer existent. Those state taxes I forgot to file? Not my problem. The past-due 2010 employee reviews? Not an obligation anymore. As soon as Seacrest starts the countdown and the clock hits midnight, a magical feeling of complete and stutter relief fleshes over me. It's wonderful. Time to say aloha ("goodbye" not "hello") to the worst of 2010 and pretend a lot of it never even happened. It's God's "get out of jail free" card (unless you're really in jail, and then, ya're stuck there for now). This New Year's I'm gonna blast some Gloria Estefan, blow my noisemaker until I explode an eardrum or two, and cheers to brand new beginnings 'cause that's what it's all about. Happy New Year everybody."

-Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin Newsletter

Thursday, December 30, 2010

..whose work has come to nothing

Now all the truth is out,
Be secret and take defeat
From any brazen throat,
For how can you compete,
Being honor bred, with one
Who were it proved he lies
Were neither shamed in his own
Nor in his neighbors' eyes;
Bred to a harder thing
Than Triumph, turn away
And like a laughing string
Whereon mad fingers play
Amid a place of stone,
Be secret and exult,
Because of all things known
That is most difficult.

-William Butler Yeats

on the verge

so.. wow. I just finished up writing a letter to my missionary, that I totally neglected for the last 4 months. So many memories are flying through my head right now. Memories of those great times we shared when we were kids. Elder Sam Moffat comes home in July! That is so darn soon.

On another note, I all of a sudden have this strong desire to do something drastic. Like, dye my hair really blonde. Like leave home early. I'm not totally set on one particular action quite yet, though. I just wanna throw myself into a new life, to the extreme.


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

good riddance

I've got to get you out of my head.

drown me in cyanide

Oh, high school... & the friends that stayed through 2000 miles of separation. How lucky am I to have these great girls in my life, no matter where I run off to in the world? This evening, the trifecta had a little reunion, with my laptop along acting as d.j. and photographer. It was spontaneous and simple, and much needed for my sanity. Just us and a couple of cups of cyanide.

world, meet becky and abigail :)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

drop it

I almost forgot

Last night I went into Wawa with my sisters and beck, and all of a sudden 14 other kids from my graduating class walked in, too. I counted. My old middle school bully was there.. and this guy who asked me out in the ninth grade at the end of lunch 2. 

It was, horrifying! And so, so weird.

There's a reason why I went to college halfway across the country. The old bully girl made some funny comments as we all were standing in line to purchase our various concessions: 

"Glad to see we all got far in life!" 
"I wonder how many of us are actually sober?"

UUUUGHHH. Get me away!

true story

Winter break has been good to me. It's been very healing and eye-opening. A lot of family and friends have come to me for a change; I didn't have to go out of my way to spend quality time with the people that mean the most. That's been such a blessing, having an incredible amount of love welcoming me back to Philly with open arms. I wasn't expecting that. I guess my expectations for people have dropped over the semester, probably because I spent the majority of the time having one disappointment after the next from the same man. I definitely stopped respecting myself and became pretty blinded. 

I never appreciated how good I had it here in Bryn Mawr. Becky and Abi and Kelsey and Laura are so so good to me! So far over break I've gone on a handful of adventures with my girls as well as my best-friend-sister Mariel, and it has made such an impact on the healing process. The cousins from Kutztown came down for Christmas day, and it felt like I never left. The bustling of babies and the abundance of food and game-playing was exactly the same. My beautiful cousin Ally kept close by me throughout the night, I love her so much,  and I know she loves me. It's amazing to see the difference of relationships I keep at home and kept at school. 

But at the same time, I love Logan. Utah State is a sweet place. In eight days I'll be flying back out there, to face my problems and put my feet firmly on reality's ground,... and to stay for a whole year, so as to establish residency and therefore qualify for cheaper tuition. Thank you, Pennsylvania, for treating me so nicely. It's been more incredible than I could have asked for, for this short stay of mine. 

run me over

I'm a bad girl.

positive affirmations

Positive affirmations work as a wonderful self improvement technique for self esteem, finances, daily living, relationships, and more. All you have to do is find 5 or 10 affirming statements that you would like to truly believe.  The negative beliefs of your inner critic will not change overnight; however, if you continue using positive affirmations multiple times per day, you will begin to see manifestations of their reality in your life. Here are a bunch of my personal favorites:

  • I love myself just the way I am.
  • I feel good and good is attracted to me.
  • I am inherently worthy as a person.
  • I accept and learn from my mistakes.
  • I accept the natural ups and downs of life.
  • I am healthy, strong, and capable.
  • I am willing to relax, let go and have fun.
  • I am safe and always feel protected.
  • My body is healthy, energized, and perfect in every way.
  • I am healthy, whole and complete.
  • I am successful in whatever I do.
  • I always have more than I need.
  • New opportunities are opening for me.
  • My possibilities are endless.
  • I am clearly pointed in the direction of my dreams.
  • I am surrounded with loving, caring people in my life.
  • The warmth of love fills my world.
  • I live in harmony and balance with everyone I know.

not fooled

"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused."


Monday, December 27, 2010

It's a ride we're strapped in

Love drains you, takes with it much of your blood sugar and water weight. You are like a house slowly losing its electricity, the fans slowing, the lights dimming and flickering; the clocks stop and go and stop.

Will I ever truly be over him? At one point I was sure that the answer is yes. But if seeing him again- and merely touching his hand- could peel back so many layers of my heart, then have I ever stopped loving him the way you’re supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you’re with?

I’m lonely, and I am hurt. I’m tired of feeling weak. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of feeling invisible. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of shutting everyone out. I’m tired of never being good enough. I’m shaking, gasping for breath, and I’m absolutely terrified. Waiting for that moment, the one that comes every time. The one where you detach yourself and leave me alone once again. I’m so sick of all of this, of feeling like I have nowhere to go. My last resort fell through. And just like always, I’m alone.

And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding was always enough, but it isn’t.

Basically, I wish that you loved me. I wish that you needed me. I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three. I wish that without me your heart would break. I wish that without me you’d be spending the rest of your nights awake. I wish that without me you couldn’t eat. I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

It’s not the way I’m meant to be, it’s just the way the operation made me. And you can tell from the state of my room, that they let me out too soon and the pills that I ate came a couple years too late and I’ve got some issues to work through….


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