Saturday, May 28, 2011

5 days too long...

... and that's exactly how long Ben and I stayed broken up. 
I realized I can't live without him.
 And he learned he couldn't ever again let me go.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

summer goals.

1. Ride my bike to and from work without wheezing.

2. Decorate my apartment to make it feel like home.

3. Perform baptisms for the dead at the Logan temple.

4. Be happy again.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

go to sleep.

It's four thirty in the morning and I can't sleep. 

I found this list sometime throughout this sleepless night.

I really want to do this right now. But tonight it's just not happening.

Tomorrow I have work. I'm honestly afraid of this happening to me.

And well, I guess I have nothing of substance to say. 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

my sweetest friend

Hey, blog. It's been a while.
What have I been up to since we've last met? Let's see.

I moved out of the towers WOO! • I successfully avoided the homeless people who kept eyeing our packed car as we made several trips up and down 4 flights of stairs, trying to get everything out of that little room I died my hair "natural dark brown" with a box dye from nice n' easy • Too dark. It looked purple and ashy all at the same time • I furnished my apartment almost completely at the DI. Got some great deals• Went grocery shopping for myself for the very first time • Prices for food were not so great I had orientation for Walmart, with my horrible hair  And I was the only female AND the only one under 35. Oh well  I learned the bus routes to get to my job. And I got a helmet and learned the bike routes for when the bus system is potentially unreliable • A bunch of Korean girls were playing musical roommates in my new apartment. That was fun trying to recognize and get to know several interchanging foreigners each time I came home. The late-night singing of Korean pop tunes was even funner • I woke up to no electricity or running water in my new apartment. Thus, I learned how utilities worked, and how a down payment is typically required • My mother offered to pay to get my hair fixed professionally, and the sweet girl who lightened the purple mess on my head turned into a great new friend! • Said sweet girl also did a great job on my hair. See figure A above ;) • I applied to a call center • I worked at Walmart • I worked some more at Walmart • I made friends at work, thankfully and finally. I was kinda nervous I wouldn't be accepted at the cool table in the break room haha, but all is well with me and my coworkers • I cooked and cleaned and planned out my meals for the week I got a couple flute gigs I settled into my simple summer life.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the best part of all of these things: Ben. He has been there for me throughout everything. He's taught me so much about living on my own, and is always there with love and guidance. I'm a silly naive schoolgirl as of yet, but soon I'll be a domesticated woman! I couldn't have done half of these things without Ben. And especially since so many people move out of this college town for the summer, life could have been way lonely without him. Not like I know nobody else in this whole town - but there's no one else I'd rather be with. After all this time, all of our ups and downs, he's still my sweetest friend. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

an understanding

“We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.”
-C.S. Lewis

It's almost 3 am again and I'm in my dorm sitting on my bed, curled up in my sheets, alone. It's halfway through finals week - I got an A on my keyboard final on Monday! Later on today I'll have wind orchestra rehearsal for commencement on Saturday, and then tomorrow I have two more finals. All of my clothes save what I need for the week are packed away. Most of my shoes and room decorations have been packed, too. I'm ready to get out of here. 

I guess I used that quote tonight because I'm sort of at a point of uncertainties, and a lot of times writing in my blog helps sort out the fog in my brain. I've already written in my journal and wrote a letter to a dear friend, but I still have the writing bug. How ironic is it that my life feels like a big question mark, when I have so many things secured for me right now? I've got multiple employments, a great apartment, a great relationship, lower tuition in the bag, and a brand new bicycle. I hear the ward I'm moving into for the summer is a strong one, and I'm looking forward to it. But this isn't supposed to happen. I should feel content; instead I feel kinda miserable, ungrateful, and embarrassed for my selfishness. Somehow I can't seem to be appreciative enough.

Maybe once the rush of moving and settling and immediately juggling jobs will help clear my brain fog. Also, I'm attending FOUR weddings next week! Count em: Whitney & Nate, Catherine & Alex, Sean & Kelli, and Tiffany & Michael. I'm beginning to think that all that matrimony is starting to stress me out. It's wonderful, righteous, eternal, and an amazing thing to do. But it's not a part of my life right now. I can't let myself get jealous of all of my bride-to-be girlfriends, and keep telling myself that, in due course, my time will come. Everything's seriously fine. Better than: life is fantastic. I guess I just keep forgetting.


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