Wednesday, March 7, 2012

way too early in the morning.

I have a problem.

I want to say it's insomnia, but doesn't insomnia mean you Can't sleep? Like at all? Because I sleep all right, just never when I'm supposed to. Like for instance, right now, the time is 3:20 in the morning. I've been in bed since 11, and all I've done is check facebook and pinterest and aggiemail and the bank.

Other than that, I have been laying here, thinking, about everything. About when is a good time to go get engagements done and who to book (if any) for videographers and how dusty the ceiling fan will be by my head in the top bunk of Olivia's room when we go there for spring break and if I should get my ring sized again because the weight of the diamond keeps making it droop to either side. I think about changing the reception from the pavilion to a stake center and what we'd possibly need for decorations and where my family's gonna stay while in Utah and how much plane tickets are going to cost for us to fly out there again for an open house. I think about all the chapters of textbooks I'm behind in, in my 4 classes with actual textbook readings, and the powerpoint of pop pop's assets that I need to finish and send to my brother and the contracts I need to sign and re-word and when I'm going to ever get back down to Provo to clean it all up and what's going to happen when the realtor sells the property. I'm stuck in a daydream, IN MY DARN BED AT NIGHTTIME, considering training schedule adjustments for my half marathon and what food I want to prepare for the week and how many minutes I'm going to need this time to be presentable in school the next day.

The problem with that, is I hardly get to my first (sometimes second or third) class of the day because after staying up til the umpteenth hour of the night, I can't wake up until a terribly late hour! And I hate it! I'm doing fine in classes, but I could be doing Great, and I keep feeling so stupid because of this dumb habit I've gotten myself into. I have melatonin supplements that I sometimes take, too, but I fight em off now, nearly every time. This Sunday I even missed church: I fell asleep finally around 6 am and slept through 1 o'clock in the afternoon. Last night, my body wouldn't shut down until SUNRISE, and wasn't awake until noon, when Ben came to get me.

I have a lot going on, but why should I make that an excuse? Everybody has a lot going on, don't they? Everybody has problems, I'm just ranting about mine. I know this is terrible and I expect more from myself and as this has been getting worse I feel like such a failure. Yeah, I'm taking 18 credits of school this semester; I'm managing the family property down in Provo, whilst finding new tenants for two apartments; I'm responsible for selling and getting rid of all of pop pop's stuff he left behind down there. Not only that, I am getting married in five months. And I feel like I'm planning the entire event single-handedly. What I need is to delegate, and to relentlessy list-write, and to pace myself. I couldn't write it all out and organize my tasks in a timely manner, because that task alone would take me days to get done!

I think I'm going to try meditation or something. Or maybe even read some textbooks in bed - those would surely knock me out. (Right?)

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