Sunday, January 9, 2011

free rocks

Did you know you can get rocks for free on ksl? Hmm, those might be useful... You can also find some killer texting buddies, hahaha. Tonight was so much fun! I seriously missed these girls I'm living with. sigh. I'm gonna call it a night soon, after I finish up this post. I feel there are a few things I need to say.

There are plenty of things wrong with me. I'm overweight, my skin is getting worse, I'm terrible at arguing any point whatsoever. When people have wronged me I get hostile. I sleep far too much for my own good and let my laundry, among other things, build up beyond managing point. I am uncertain in my testimony of the gospel. I cry all the time, I'm such a baby. I'm very naive and am wrongfully trusting of untrustworthy individuals. I'm addicted to the internet. I have a good deal of anxiety and so I allow all this negative to consume my focus. So, I like to plan parties, or any type of event. Tonight I put together this secret santa shindig and there were some details gone wrong. I allowed that to get me down for a good amount of the time. I always do that. I so badly want everything to be perfect, so whenever life happens, I subconsciously choose to wallow in the negativity. And I'm an idiot for doing so.

Having said that, I'm also a human being, and having negative qualities is part of the deal. There's not one day where I'm totally innocent of wrongdoings, and if you think I think I'm wonderful, you can think again. I may have been self righteous in the past, I may be in the future. But I don't want to justify myself anymore. I am going to be my flawed self and I'm gonna continue to live my life in tons of sin. (Hey, so are you.) I've blamed others for my problems, but...

Eventually I'll deal with my own issues, on my own time. At this point in my life, it's all up to me, and it's nobody else's right to tell me what to do. I am aware of my mistakes, but right now, I'm still in the process of getting over everything, and I reject your chastisement for what I'm already aware of. Whatever backlash I've received for my blogging about my life and Ben in it, however minimal, is also pointless, because there's nothing you can say that's going to affect me. I've looked at love from both sides now, and I absolutely understand what happened. I own my actions entirely and there's nothing more to do than get over myself and walk away. Well, I've been focusing on it quite a lot these last few days, because of the prospect of seeing him in person for the first time since finding everything out. Hopefully I'll get the first encounter out of the way tomorrow.

School starts, tomorrow. I'm still in fight or flight mode, I think, so I have mixed emotions about how well I'm going to handle myself in that situation. I'll probably think about those free rocks on ksl. And then I'll hum that destiny's child song. I'm already psyching myself out. But everything is going to be okay. I have a plan for this semester, and it's going to rock! After this drama is dealt with, my life will be amazing again.

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