Friday, January 21, 2011

knowing when to grow

Going to college, I learn a lot. That's pretty obvious. But it's not just the academics, it's the human dynamic, the social maturity levels, and the hard facts of life. In the last 24 hours a lot has occurred to me:

I learned that when I stay up until 5 in the morning, there's no chance I'll make it to an 8 am class (...well, I knew that already. I was just dumb enough to test my self control again). I learned that when I have a performance midday, I should never wear 5 inch heels out, and instead should bring em along extra if they're really necessary for the outfit I've got on. I learned that my embouchre is better suited for the tuba after all, and not euphonium like I've insisted for so many years now. I learned that when I stop going after boys, they come after me all at the same time. I learned that I can't hate people, no matter how much I want to.

I learned that whenever I love another person, I can't stop loving them, no matter how drastically I remove myself from that relationship, no matter how much wrong they've done to me. Like my siblings for example, I've been feeling a burning love for each of them all day today, remembering us as we all grew up. I can't be sure that my three younger siblings love me, because I haven't seen or felt the love. They have each done a great deal of wrong to me, and I'm pretty sure they each are not intending on mending our relationships any time soon. But even if Kaleb never wants to get along for the rest of our lives, I will still love him. Even if Camille blocks me on facebook and complains about me to everybody, I'll still think about how beautiful she is and how I wish I could be her very own best friend. When Olivia kicks me out of bed in the middle of the night, I'll remember the nights when she wasn't a tween and we played the best, most spontaneous games of improv and adventure.

I love you. Those three words are tossed around so chaotically. But I am reluctant to say them, unless I seriously, strongly love the person. And so, if I've ever told you I love you, know that I still do, and I really meant it. I don't like to love everybody, so know that you're special to me, if you've heard it from me before.

Regardless of my love, I have to know when to move on. It's poisonous to keep at a conversation with Camille in the wrong mood. It's destructive to force time together with my brother. It's practically selling my soul to get back into a relationship that caused me that much heartache. Because I want to fix things, but the truth is, these people are plain incapable of reciprocating what I deserve. Growing and getting through these challenges isn't for the faint of heart, though. Lucky for me, I've had some weirdly, supernaturally resilient heart put in my chest as a replacement for the beaten and battered one barely surviving before. I can feel God's hand helping me through the muckity muck. Mind you, it's intensely painful to distance myself from those loved ones. But this way, I'm protecting myself for a change, and learning how to feel safe.

I have loved you, I love you now, and I will always love you. People say people fall out of love. That sucks for them; I'm not that kind of people. I'm never gonna stop loving you. But goodbye anyway, and I'm sorry we didn't work out.

... and I'm not angry anymore. Hallelujah.

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