Wednesday, August 3, 2011

a house of order

I promised Ben I would write tonight. Because we both know that after I write, my head gets clear. And I've been in need of a head-clearing for a while now.

It's harder to dive right in after not writing anything down practically all summer. That's almost 4 months! I've been used to writing everything down everywhere before: I had journals for different parts of my life, this blog, and facebook. And I had so many people around me throughout the school days to talk to and so many other old friends who I kept steady relationships with whom I would call up several times a week. I was SUCH a talker. I know that I still probably am. But I kind of hibernated this summer, and now that things are getting back to life as we all know it, my anxiety has picked up momentum and I forgot how much I need a release. How much I need a thousand releases.

This summer has been the steadiest mine and Ben's relationship has been for any chunk of time thus far. He and I have really just had each other to depend on, and not many other else's. Back in the winter when we had rocky points, I did myself no favors by documenting every bit of negative that went on - by letting pretty much the general public into that controversial period of time. And boy did I learn my lesson. My humiliation from excessively sharing has influenced me to be the hermit I am right now, I guess. But I've learned that I can't keep everything quiet, either. I may have been inappropriate with what I spread, but at least I felt satisfied and level-headed. Lately, well, I've been happier than ever before, but my thoughts have been so fuzzy and jumbled. I've definitely gotta keep talking and writing it out. Ben and I agree that it's good for me.

My family visited Utah during different weeks in July. I'm really grateful that I got to see most of them for at least a couple days each - I really love my family. Anyway, when mom, Ben, and I took a trip to Deseret Book, I finally bought myself my favorite church movie ever The Other Side of Heaven. Naturally, I had to watch it immediately, and naturally, I cried the whole time. I love that the same movie I've been watching for a decade can bring back the same strong feelings of the spirit, every time.

There's so many things about that movie I could expound upon forever, but right now I can't stop thinking about the part where the mission president visits Elder Groberg and freaks out at him over not filing forms away for every church ordinance performed and zones set up. That grumpy old man reminds me of me. He attacked John and judged him and had good intentions, but it sure was awful to watch. He said, "A house of God is a house of order." Well, sometimes I act that way, and it's terrible. I know I have good intentions, but I convey them in such a rash manner that it turns people away from wanting anything similar to me. I think my mom understands, bless her heart. The thing is, I freak myself out with worry about having order and a plan that I end up freaking out at others, and regret it every time. Ben is SUCH a good sport about all of this nonsense that I put him through. Ugh. I have so much growing up to do.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a wedding planner. That was my dream job for so long. Now that I'm at the beginning of grown-up life, I've stopped wanting that dream entirely, but still held onto parts of it. For example, I do so badly want to plan everything out. I'm extremely detail-oriented and in need of organization. Of order. I love having a private room in my apartment, because I can be in control of whatever clutter that's going on. I can be in control of my life on my own, and that's such a relief. I got my residency application in today, and was pretty proud of myself for that. But for the most part, all that pride I get comes out of a need for order and a lack of controlling said order up until now. Up until college, when I've been on my own.

My anxiety can prove to be debilitating. But all this talk of control and order isn't all good, either - I've gotta learn to relax once in a while, too. I'll just keep reminding myself to relax, I think. I have to remind myself to be happy and faithful. Because my life is seriously so blessed! I have friends and family who love me. I'm attending an amazing University that has so much to offer. I'm safe. God is watching over me - I know it, because I can feel His spirit with me every day.

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