Recently I've been letting some things take control of my emotions. There must be some rough spots ahead in my future that God wants me to prepare for - that's the only reason I can come up with for these things to happen.
Let me preface by saying how happy I am right now. I have everything I've ever wanted: an education immersed in music, amazing friends who for the first time ever can relate to me, and the love of my life.
Having said that, I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy now that my whole family's going through all different kinds of strife and sadness. How can I feel okay while everyone else is struggling? Furthermore, how can I accept the fact that there's nothing I can do about their problems? I always thought I could fix it all - I could fix our unhappiness. But I was wrong; the only person I can make a difference in is myself. All I can do for my family now is love them and pray for them, and hope that someday they'll accept me back into their lives.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
boyfriends, girlfriends, & spongebob
Today was awesome!
I quit my job • went shopping with ben • ran into one my best girlfriends, awesomely • had a lunch date with ben • chatted it up with ben and his new roommates • went shopping some more by my lonesome • got a pedicure • met up with MORE girlfriends • ate frozen cherry lemonade with the girls • went on a pizza run • hunted down ben and gave him a ride to work • laughed and cried with my brown girls • played life, spongebob edition • tried on all my purchases from today, and felt beautiful.
So many people! So much happiness.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
a house of order
I promised Ben I would write tonight. Because we both know that after I write, my head gets clear. And I've been in need of a head-clearing for a while now.
It's harder to dive right in after not writing anything down practically all summer. That's almost 4 months! I've been used to writing everything down everywhere before: I had journals for different parts of my life, this blog, and facebook. And I had so many people around me throughout the school days to talk to and so many other old friends who I kept steady relationships with whom I would call up several times a week. I was SUCH a talker. I know that I still probably am. But I kind of hibernated this summer, and now that things are getting back to life as we all know it, my anxiety has picked up momentum and I forgot how much I need a release. How much I need a thousand releases.
This summer has been the steadiest mine and Ben's relationship has been for any chunk of time thus far. He and I have really just had each other to depend on, and not many other else's. Back in the winter when we had rocky points, I did myself no favors by documenting every bit of negative that went on - by letting pretty much the general public into that controversial period of time. And boy did I learn my lesson. My humiliation from excessively sharing has influenced me to be the hermit I am right now, I guess. But I've learned that I can't keep everything quiet, either. I may have been inappropriate with what I spread, but at least I felt satisfied and level-headed. Lately, well, I've been happier than ever before, but my thoughts have been so fuzzy and jumbled. I've definitely gotta keep talking and writing it out. Ben and I agree that it's good for me.
My family visited Utah during different weeks in July. I'm really grateful that I got to see most of them for at least a couple days each - I really love my family. Anyway, when mom, Ben, and I took a trip to Deseret Book, I finally bought myself my favorite church movie ever The Other Side of Heaven. Naturally, I had to watch it immediately, and naturally, I cried the whole time. I love that the same movie I've been watching for a decade can bring back the same strong feelings of the spirit, every time.
There's so many things about that movie I could expound upon forever, but right now I can't stop thinking about the part where the mission president visits Elder Groberg and freaks out at him over not filing forms away for every church ordinance performed and zones set up. That grumpy old man reminds me of me. He attacked John and judged him and had good intentions, but it sure was awful to watch. He said, "A house of God is a house of order." Well, sometimes I act that way, and it's terrible. I know I have good intentions, but I convey them in such a rash manner that it turns people away from wanting anything similar to me. I think my mom understands, bless her heart. The thing is, I freak myself out with worry about having order and a plan that I end up freaking out at others, and regret it every time. Ben is SUCH a good sport about all of this nonsense that I put him through. Ugh. I have so much growing up to do.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a wedding planner. That was my dream job for so long. Now that I'm at the beginning of grown-up life, I've stopped wanting that dream entirely, but still held onto parts of it. For example, I do so badly want to plan everything out. I'm extremely detail-oriented and in need of organization. Of order. I love having a private room in my apartment, because I can be in control of whatever clutter that's going on. I can be in control of my life on my own, and that's such a relief. I got my residency application in today, and was pretty proud of myself for that. But for the most part, all that pride I get comes out of a need for order and a lack of controlling said order up until now. Up until college, when I've been on my own.
My anxiety can prove to be debilitating. But all this talk of control and order isn't all good, either - I've gotta learn to relax once in a while, too. I'll just keep reminding myself to relax, I think. I have to remind myself to be happy and faithful. Because my life is seriously so blessed! I have friends and family who love me. I'm attending an amazing University that has so much to offer. I'm safe. God is watching over me - I know it, because I can feel His spirit with me every day.
It's harder to dive right in after not writing anything down practically all summer. That's almost 4 months! I've been used to writing everything down everywhere before: I had journals for different parts of my life, this blog, and facebook. And I had so many people around me throughout the school days to talk to and so many other old friends who I kept steady relationships with whom I would call up several times a week. I was SUCH a talker. I know that I still probably am. But I kind of hibernated this summer, and now that things are getting back to life as we all know it, my anxiety has picked up momentum and I forgot how much I need a release. How much I need a thousand releases.
This summer has been the steadiest mine and Ben's relationship has been for any chunk of time thus far. He and I have really just had each other to depend on, and not many other else's. Back in the winter when we had rocky points, I did myself no favors by documenting every bit of negative that went on - by letting pretty much the general public into that controversial period of time. And boy did I learn my lesson. My humiliation from excessively sharing has influenced me to be the hermit I am right now, I guess. But I've learned that I can't keep everything quiet, either. I may have been inappropriate with what I spread, but at least I felt satisfied and level-headed. Lately, well, I've been happier than ever before, but my thoughts have been so fuzzy and jumbled. I've definitely gotta keep talking and writing it out. Ben and I agree that it's good for me.
My family visited Utah during different weeks in July. I'm really grateful that I got to see most of them for at least a couple days each - I really love my family. Anyway, when mom, Ben, and I took a trip to Deseret Book, I finally bought myself my favorite church movie ever The Other Side of Heaven. Naturally, I had to watch it immediately, and naturally, I cried the whole time. I love that the same movie I've been watching for a decade can bring back the same strong feelings of the spirit, every time.
There's so many things about that movie I could expound upon forever, but right now I can't stop thinking about the part where the mission president visits Elder Groberg and freaks out at him over not filing forms away for every church ordinance performed and zones set up. That grumpy old man reminds me of me. He attacked John and judged him and had good intentions, but it sure was awful to watch. He said, "A house of God is a house of order." Well, sometimes I act that way, and it's terrible. I know I have good intentions, but I convey them in such a rash manner that it turns people away from wanting anything similar to me. I think my mom understands, bless her heart. The thing is, I freak myself out with worry about having order and a plan that I end up freaking out at others, and regret it every time. Ben is SUCH a good sport about all of this nonsense that I put him through. Ugh. I have so much growing up to do.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a wedding planner. That was my dream job for so long. Now that I'm at the beginning of grown-up life, I've stopped wanting that dream entirely, but still held onto parts of it. For example, I do so badly want to plan everything out. I'm extremely detail-oriented and in need of organization. Of order. I love having a private room in my apartment, because I can be in control of whatever clutter that's going on. I can be in control of my life on my own, and that's such a relief. I got my residency application in today, and was pretty proud of myself for that. But for the most part, all that pride I get comes out of a need for order and a lack of controlling said order up until now. Up until college, when I've been on my own.
My anxiety can prove to be debilitating. But all this talk of control and order isn't all good, either - I've gotta learn to relax once in a while, too. I'll just keep reminding myself to relax, I think. I have to remind myself to be happy and faithful. Because my life is seriously so blessed! I have friends and family who love me. I'm attending an amazing University that has so much to offer. I'm safe. God is watching over me - I know it, because I can feel His spirit with me every day.
Monday, July 4, 2011
oh the joys of 5 days in bed.
Happy Independence Day! Today's gonna be a great one - it HAS to be. Not only is it the first day back into the real world for me, but I get to see my pops and siblings and nieces, and celebrate little Phoebe's 3rd birthday. So this dumb mystery infection/virus better leave me alone quick!
I've been in bed since last Wednesday, not sure what's wrong with me. Every four hours or so my fever either leaves or comes back with a vengeance. My temperature's been from the low 96's to a high 102.3 and everywhere in between. Saturday night I went into the ER with the worst pain all over, and after 3 hours all the doctors could come up with for me to take is this broad-range antibiotic called Bactrim. And I'm supposed to take it with food and lots of fluids, but oh great! It also causes nausea. Guess who hasn't been keeping anything down since she got outta the hospital? This girl.
But today is a great day. I don't care how I'm feelin today, I'm going to work and I get to see my awesome coworkers and I get picked up by dad at the end of the day, to drive south and be with FAMILY for three whole days. That's Such a luxury for someone who hasn't seen any relatives in 7 months, minus Mariel's family a couple short times. Ben's been the closest thing to family for me while I've been out here and I'm so grateful for that. His family came and picked him up yesterday for a family reunion of their own up in Idaho somewhere, and silly mister sickness so rudely interrupted their visit. Talk about a great impression I made: clammy and shaky and fever on the rise. I didn't even get to say goodbye, properly. I just stumbled out of the car after a half hug and a few broken sentences.
Anyway.
While I'm down in Spanish Fork, we'll move Kaleb into his new apartment and start him off with a fresh batch of college groceries. And then on Wednesday Mariel graduates from Orem Police Academy!! She's perfect for that career path, I know she'll be a great cop. :) Oh, and to top it all off, Thursday morning I drive dad to the airport, and then I GET THE VAN! I get an ACTUAL. VEHICLE. I can't wait!!! I won't be keeping it forever, though. Once school starts up I'm supposed to sell it. But that's okay, I'll take what I can get.
All right, it's 3 in the morning. I think the nausea's dying away, so I think I'll get some more sleep. Goodnight! And have a GREAT fourth of July. I know I will.
I've been in bed since last Wednesday, not sure what's wrong with me. Every four hours or so my fever either leaves or comes back with a vengeance. My temperature's been from the low 96's to a high 102.3 and everywhere in between. Saturday night I went into the ER with the worst pain all over, and after 3 hours all the doctors could come up with for me to take is this broad-range antibiotic called Bactrim. And I'm supposed to take it with food and lots of fluids, but oh great! It also causes nausea. Guess who hasn't been keeping anything down since she got outta the hospital? This girl.
But today is a great day. I don't care how I'm feelin today, I'm going to work and I get to see my awesome coworkers and I get picked up by dad at the end of the day, to drive south and be with FAMILY for three whole days. That's Such a luxury for someone who hasn't seen any relatives in 7 months, minus Mariel's family a couple short times. Ben's been the closest thing to family for me while I've been out here and I'm so grateful for that. His family came and picked him up yesterday for a family reunion of their own up in Idaho somewhere, and silly mister sickness so rudely interrupted their visit. Talk about a great impression I made: clammy and shaky and fever on the rise. I didn't even get to say goodbye, properly. I just stumbled out of the car after a half hug and a few broken sentences.
Anyway.
While I'm down in Spanish Fork, we'll move Kaleb into his new apartment and start him off with a fresh batch of college groceries. And then on Wednesday Mariel graduates from Orem Police Academy!! She's perfect for that career path, I know she'll be a great cop. :) Oh, and to top it all off, Thursday morning I drive dad to the airport, and then I GET THE VAN! I get an ACTUAL. VEHICLE. I can't wait!!! I won't be keeping it forever, though. Once school starts up I'm supposed to sell it. But that's okay, I'll take what I can get.
All right, it's 3 in the morning. I think the nausea's dying away, so I think I'll get some more sleep. Goodnight! And have a GREAT fourth of July. I know I will.
 |
| Just kidding. Mister sick, you are not my friend ;) |
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