release

Okay, so I pulled an all-nighter. I've been almost doing that all break long, my brain's been pushing me longer and longer each night, straining and wanting me to figure out some sort of resolve, I guess. But last night was the first time I really did it. I was almost asleep when 6:30 rolled around and my three younger siblings all quietly started getting ready for school and getting out the door. Camille and Olivia were eating something, and the smells woke me up for good. When mom asked me why I was awake, I mumbled something incoherent, lying by omission that I actually closed my eyes last night. Then everybody left us two in the kitchen. And finally, everything came out.

Besides the quick tears from minor fighting I did with my family, I haven't cried over break. I've been extremely numb. I didn't deal with my grief. But now I am. This morning, I sat down with my mother and I cried to her. I told her about my anger and my heartbreak and my indignation. I trembled and shook with the release of so much that was pent up. I'm still shaking now. The questions I have, that I know the answers to... I feel like shouting them at him. I deserve a better explanation than just "I'm sorry". 

You can laugh at my dramatic-ness, or my weird way of putting my words together. I'm laughing at myself. I don't care, though. I used to care a lot about a lot of things. I don't wanna care anymore. I want, so badly, to stop caring and to push through this emotional nonsense.