my sweetest friend

Hey, blog. It's been a while.

What have I been up to since we've last met? Let's see.

I moved out of the towers WOO! • I successfully avoided the homeless people who kept eyeing our packed car as we made several trips up and down 4 flights of stairs, trying to get everything out of that little room •I died my hair "natural dark brown" with a box dye from nice n' easy • Too dark. It looked purple and ashy all at the same time • I furnished my apartment almost completely at the DI. Got some great deals• Went grocery shopping for myself for the very first time • Prices for food were not so great •I had orientation for Walmart, with my horrible hair • And I was the only female AND the only one under 35. Oh well • I learned the bus routes to get to my job. And I got a helmet and learned the bike routes for when the bus system is potentially unreliable • A bunch of Korean girls were playing musical roommates in my new apartment. That was fun trying to recognize and get to know several interchanging foreigners each time I came home. The late-night singing of Korean pop tunes was even funner • I woke up to no electricity or running water in my new apartment. Thus, I learned how utilities worked, and how a down payment is typically required • My mother offered to pay to get my hair fixed professionally, and the sweet girl who lightened the purple mess on my head turned into a great new friend! • Said sweet girl also did a great job on my hair. See figure A above ;) • I applied to a call center • I worked at Walmart • I worked some more at Walmart • I made friends at work, thankfully and finally. I was kinda nervous I wouldn't be accepted at the cool table in the break room haha, but all is well with me and my coworkers • I cooked and cleaned and planned out my meals for the week •I got a couple flute gigs •I settled into my simple summer life.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the best part of all of these things: Ben. He has been there for me throughout everything. He's taught me so much about living on my own, and is always there with love and guidance. I'm a silly naive schoolgirl as of yet, but soon I'll be a domesticated woman! I couldn't have done half of these things without Ben. And especially since so many people move out of this college town for the summer, life could have been way lonely without him. Not like I know nobody else in this whole town - but there's no one else I'd rather be with. After all this time, all of our ups and downs, he's still my sweetest friend. 

so long, and thanks for all the fish

30. A picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge.

I started this blog [challenge] on February 3rd. Since then, A lot of amazing things have happened to me. I have so much to be grateful for. Let me count the ways...

- Valentine's Day! I dressed in all pink, white, and red, and my valentine dressed up for me, too. We went about a normal monday school day without seeing each other, but he called me awake and called me all day after that, leaving me sweet voicemails and cute texts. I finally saw my love before wind orchestra, briefly, and I could hardly contain my excitement. After class we exchanged gifts and then went to an early dinner. It was so simple and perfect.

- Summer job offers. This summer we've got a couple of options, which is great. I don't feel nervous about my near future at all, financially speaking that is.

- Reconnecting with my grandmom. Before I wrote that post about her, it had been several weeks since I've spoken to her. And before that, I would talk to her almost every day. Being able to hear her voice again was such bliss, I forgot how terribly I missed that woman. Since that blog post, I've been talking with her much more often. It's been just like back in the day, and I plan to keep it like that.

- Solidifying my priorities a little better. I've always had them pretty disorderly in my youth, even though I knew what I wanted out of life and what I needed to do. This semester, and more specifically these last 30 days, I've put my self sermon into effect: with balancing le boyfriend, instrumental practice hours, personal time, and study time, I have felt more satisfied than ever before. Not to say that things have been flawless, no no no. But now I'm pretty sure my conscience has been pleased with my decisions on a daily basis. I feel more in control than ever before. And that's a pretty good feeling.

- Understanding and experiencing the notion of true love. Life has been so incredibly happy and fulfilling ever since I got back together with Ben. Never would I have believed this would be our turnout. I am so in love! And I'm so comfortable. and grateful. and lucky. Before this very colorful college relationship of ours, I had a preconceived notion of what love was. I thought I knew, but I had no idea. 

Okay, so there's my five good things, and that's me today around 1 o'clock. Goodbye for now. I'll write again sometime after April 23rd. I promise to keep away from here until then!

Day 26: Your Dream Wedding

Alrighty then.. My dream wedding.


I want the actual getting hitched part to be small, and quiet. Just family. Intimate and not so showy. Mind you, I'll have everybody coordinating and I'll have the flowers and day plans under control, and I'll for sure get me a wedding photographer. But I don't want my wedding to be a production, because it's not a production, it's a sacred ceremony. I'm really looking forward to that moment when I'm officially sealed to my husband forever. 


The partying afterwards is another story, however. I'm going to need to have a reception here and an open house, too, back home in Pennsylvania. I want the reception to be in the evening, and I want it candlelit and romantic. The color scheme is going to be black, white, with muted shades of red and pink, kind of like this blog thing I have going on. I don't want it in a church gym, no way. It needs to be in some kind of classy banquet hall or old famous residence that can be rented out for events. I'll have it catered and the lacy tablecloths will be sprinkled with rose petals. I want no dead noise in any part of the reception: live music by the tables and dance floor, old italian love songs in the background by the lobby and bathrooms and food. I'll invite everyone we know and it'll be the party of the year! I used to plan some killer birthday parties in my time, so my reception will have to definitely blow them all away. 

unconditionality

Day 24: Something you've learned.

I've learned...

... that people have the capacity to love me unconditionally. I never believed that was possible before now. I am so paranoid and I have this constant worry that my next screw up will be the cause of my friend or family member dropping our relationship, just like that. Mostly I think that way because that's how I grew up. Our family is still growing up. There's a lot of good about our family, but one thing that's always been a struggle was how horribly conditional we were with one another. We all seem to be very uncomfortable with each other, because we don't resolve a lot of fights, we just let them fester and pretend to move on. And then we let minor things affect our major opinions. We would get offended super easily and as a result, we were never really nice to each other. I didn't notice it was such a problem until my two younger sisters would openly criticize me in public. It was very startling and hurtful. Because I found out that in any setting, they don't like me - they wouldn't even pretend to get along. I didn't see hardly any positive feedback, except when by chance we happened to be getting along or agreeing at the time. Then, in that condition, would things be all right between us.

Growing up conditional, I never fully trusted my loved ones. And what is love without trust? It's a battle that I'm still fighting, winning over my siblings and father and cultivating a positive, affectionate relationship with each of them. Mom and I are pretty solid, and I'm so grateful for that. 

I kept that part of my roots in my system until recently, when I threw away the notion that I was doomed to conditions. Over the last several days, I've been extra clumsy and careless and I thought it was affecting all those I surround myself with, and I've been getting really worried that everyone is getting mad at me. I beat myself up pretty good psychologically, and I braced myself for disappointment. Turns out, I created these demons in my head for no good reason. My friends here are still just as tight with me as ever; Ben and I are amazing. I got embarrassed and scared over nothing. I can't say enough how much I appreciate this unconditional love stuff - even when I'm having a week where I'm far from perfect, I have people in my life that still think the world of me. I think I've always yearned to feel like a princess, tried to feel special and important, but never quite getting there. But now, after expecting doomsday and getting blanketed by love and security, I can tell you that I finally feel like a princess.

family matters

23. A picture that makes you smile.

well, how about four?

 

forever, 21

21. Someone you love/Someone that means a lot to you.

this is my grandma. 

She's my favorite person in the whole world.

Grandma Helen is a short little Irish woman who was raised catholic and aspired to become a nun. She met my pop pop at a military ball they used to hold all the time, during some war, and they quick got married. (I wish I knew the story better.) She soon after got pregnant with her first child, Eleanor, who only lived for a short while after being born. Eleanor went straight to heaven, and later they had 4 more kids, the second oldest of them being my dad, George. After having my uncle, dad, and two aunts, she converted to the LDS gospel. She then was baptized, along with all of her children. 

My grandma is one of the most social people I have ever met! She networks through the relief society's address book like none other. She is a peacemaker and just like me, she cries very easily. For the majority of my childhood, she was my closest companion. Grandma lives with us, she has her own apartment style home in the first floor of the barn, as our family's house begins on the second floor. I would always run downstairs to run from trouble and chores, and confide in her: tell her everything about the going -ons of our crazy family upstairs. She knew about every boy I ever liked, ever since I was a toddler. She was my chauffeur and my therapist and the best, most loyal girlfriend a girl could only dream of.

I love my grandma, so so much. I think I miss her the most.

14.

(Something that makes you feel better.)

I find it ironic that I got a package from my mom today, and the day my girlfriend wrote post #14, she got a package, too. Packages really do just make your day - ahem, and make me feel better.


But there's other things make me feel better, things that are more important than anything material.
Such as...


Being called a princess and not as a joke. Good morning texts. Kisses on the forehead. Feeling loved every second of the day. Sincere compliments. Really long goodbyes. Amazing jokes, constant laughter. Warm, strong hands intertwined with my puny, cold ones. Silence that isn't awkward. Spending all of my time with the love of my life. 

and when the rest of the world walks out, I'll still be here

12. Something you don't leave the house without.

I tried thinking about this one, but then I remembered it's 2 in the morning and I'm not really in a good thinking mood :) so minimalist thoughts came to the conclusion that there isn't anything physical I don't leave the house (or dorm or apartment, rather) without. I've gone without my cell phone and wallet before. There's been times when I haven't worn an article of clothing, every kind of clothing you can think of, even underwear.  But no matter what the situation is, I never leave wherever I'm at without my love for Ben. Even when we were apart for a month, I couldn't think about anyone else. I couldn't even dream about anything else. The way I feel about him hasn't changed and won't ever change. He is my rock.


... Happy Valentines Day! I thought this topic was definitely appropriate.

eleven in heaven

11. Your siblings.

this is Olivia...

...she's the youngest in our bunch. She's rowdy, spontaneous, and very theatrical. Olivia's in the sixth grade right now, and I'm pretty sure she's loving every second of it.

Camille's next on the list, being second youngest and all. Camille's 14 and just got her tonsils out. She is the only one of us that still has naturally light blonde hair, even though she still dyes it blonder. She's incredibly beautiful.

And then there's Kaleb.

Kaleb's a senior in high school, and he's the middle child. When we were little kids, Kaleb and I got really excited about the fact that we were the same age between our birthdays (his is late july and mine's beginning of october), but later on it turned out we're a little less than two years apart, and not one.

Finally, say hello to Mariel. My older sis. The oldest.

Mariel's married and has two kids. She's only 22 and she has a mortgage - and I'm pretty sure she just got her family a dog now, too. Mare and I have been there for each other through everything. 

I love my siblings.

run me over

positive affirmations

Positive affirmations work as a wonderful self improvement technique for self esteem, finances, daily living, relationships, and more. All you have to do is find 5 or 10 affirming statements that you would like to truly believe.  The negative beliefs of your inner critic will not change overnight; however, if you continue using positive affirmations multiple times per day, you will begin to see manifestations of their reality in your life. Here are a bunch of my personal favorites:

• I love myself just the way I am.
• I feel good and good is attracted to me.
• I am inherently worthy as a person.
• I accept and learn from my mistakes.
• I accept the natural ups and downs of life.
• I am healthy, strong, and capable.
• I am willing to relax, let go and have fun.
• I am safe and always feel protected.
• My body is healthy, energized, and perfect in every way.
• I am healthy, whole and complete.
• I am successful in whatever I do.
• I always have more than I need.
• New opportunities are opening for me.
• My possibilities are endless.
• I am clearly pointed in the direction of my dreams.
• I am surrounded with loving, caring people in my life.
• The warmth of love fills my world.
• I live in harmony and balance with everyone I know.

not fooled

"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused."


-Anonymous

It's a ride we're strapped in

Love drains you, takes with it much of your blood sugar and water weight. You are like a house slowly losing its electricity, the fans slowing, the lights dimming and flickering; the clocks stop and go and stop.

Will I ever truly be over him? At one point I was sure that the answer is yes. But if seeing him again- and merely touching his hand- could peel back so many layers of my heart, then have I ever stopped loving him the way you’re supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you’re with?

I’m lonely, and I am hurt. I’m tired of feeling weak. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of feeling invisible. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of shutting everyone out. I’m tired of never being good enough. I’m shaking, gasping for breath, and I’m absolutely terrified. Waiting for that moment, the one that comes every time. The one where you detach yourself and leave me alone once again. I’m so sick of all of this, of feeling like I have nowhere to go. My last resort fell through. And just like always, I’m alone.

And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding was always enough, but it isn’t.

Basically, I wish that you loved me. I wish that you needed me. I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three. I wish that without me your heart would break. I wish that without me you’d be spending the rest of your nights awake. I wish that without me you couldn’t eat. I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

It’s not the way I’m meant to be, it’s just the way the operation made me. And you can tell from the state of my room, that they let me out too soon and the pills that I ate came a couple years too late and I’ve got some issues to work through….

write it all down

I'm not good at this blogging thing. I'm not computer savvy and I don't know how to make special effects or add pictures or cool things to my blog. But I do want to write. I want to express myself and my journal isn't quite cutting it anymore. I have so much that I want to say and so much feeling for my situation right now. But at the same time, it's important to be super careful about what I bring up and publicly write out here. 


I'm a freshman. I am only 19 years old. I've been gone from my home now for 3 months. The only family I've seen since then is my sister's family in Spanish Fork, a month ago, and that was just for a few short days. I'm living off of scholarships and my parents at the moment, but next year, I will have to fend for myself financially. I came to college not knowing a soul, and I cut off almost all of my relationships with my friends from back home. I made a significant life change and I knew what I was getting into when I made the decision to come to Utah. There were more than plenty opportunities for a stellar education back home; I live in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania, in the main line, right down the road from Philadelphia. Where I live, there's Bryn Mawr College, Haverford College, Villanova, St. Joseph's, West Chester University, Arcadia, Temple, Drexel, Penn, Curtis, and the list goes on for a while. Out here, there's Utah State, Weber State, U of U, BYU, SUU, and Dixie State. And that's in the entire state. I probably left some out, but, I honestly haven't heard of any others. And the schools I listed are all within a half hour distance from my house. There's Washington D.C. and the Atlantic Ocean and New York City. There's broadway and the philadelphia orchestra and delaware symphony and new york philharmonic. There's dozens of available flute teachers within my reach; there's beyond amazing opportunities where I lived in the east coast. The people are real, they don't hide who they are. The history is rich and the humidity keeps nature alive and color prevalent in my daily life. 

I made a lot of sacrifices to be here now. Until today, I haven't looked back on my past at all. I was super stoked to make a new life for myself here, to blend in with the rest of the mormons and bounce off the walls with contentedness, living in the music building and thriving off of the perceived happiness people give off so often. I showed up and opened my heart to a hundred strangers and didn't think twice about some of the repercussions that come from letting strangers into your life. I was intensely myself and didn't conform and was really happy. I made friends quickly and kept everything running so smoothly. I ruminated on every little thing I did and said, before and after the fact, and kept myself in check, making sure I did and said everything just right. Making sure I was perfect.


Perfection is something that I've learned is really focused on here. People don't expect your mistakes, and when they're shown, there's a lot of disappointed feedback. I heard last week that there was study that showed that women take Prozac more in Utah than in any other state in America. Prozac is an anti-depressant. Aka, women in Utah are way depressed. That startled me! I had no idea that "happy valley" was being fed happiness artificially. It makes me sad to think that there's a major problem in Utah, and that the lifestyle I came to pursue is very flawed. The singles ward that I attend on Sundays only teaches a few things in the lessons given in all three meetings, and they are eternal marriage, dating, and chastity. They don't talk about anything else. They pressure the freshmen especially to look for an eternal companion and to get married. The whole system of a singles ward, their whole purpose, is to kick us out as soon as they can, into a family ward. You know what's so frustrating? Even though I filled out a paper with all my information and handed it in to my bishopric, even though they gave me a calling, they haven't registered me as a member in their system, and I still get emails from my home ward of Philadelphia. I have tried on many occasions to get them to put me in their system, but it's just not a priority! 


I'm running through a lot of tangents right now, I know it. I just need to keep writing.


I love the gospel so much. I know that Jesus is my savior and He died for us. I know that the scriptures are powerful and that prayer is literally talking to God. God listens every time, and he's waiting for us to pray so he can get another chance to be there for us. I know that charity is above all the single most important thing we can practice in our lives, because charity is the pure love of Christ. I know that being modest is a clear way of expressing self respect and that the church's guidelines for modesty is a smart thing and keeps people safe. I know that being kind to others at all times is the best thing you can do for yourself, because that way you refrain from making enemies. I know that music is a connection to God and singing hymns gives us that extra connection. I know that prophets are legitimate and that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet, a seer, and revelator. I know that Joseph Smith restored the gospel, which is so significant, but also that he was an imperfect man that sparked a lot of adversary towards the church from the getgo. I know that My Redeemer lives. I will always have a testimony of the gospel. 

Having said all that, I also know that my father doesn't believe, and neither do my siblings. And neither do the majority of my friends from back home. I've gone through my life attached to my LDS standards while living in a society and household that go against who I am and have always wanted to be. I really am grateful for having gone through that though, because it's made me more consistent, I think. I have spent so many years defending my position to my father and my family and my friends. I've questioned it enough and I know so deeply at this point, there's no way I would let myself give up my testimony. People don't affiliate me with immaturity too often I don't think, and it's because I've pushed myself to figure me out in high school. Everyone else fooled around, and I sure did my share of it too. But the last three semesters of high school I really grew up and found my path and grew determined to follow it. I wasn't living a double standard by having a lack of a foundation, I really wasn't. I made me my foundation, nobody else. I made God my foundation on my own. I read the book of mormon straight through in a month on my own, in April of 2009. I cried and cried and prayed on my own. I had terrible relationships with boys and girls alike, and it was mostly on my part, because I was so extremely selfish and I didn't take care of my friends at all. I only took care of myself.  But I wanted to be that way, I wanted to grow up. I wanted to figure things out NOW. So that I could go to college and be comfortable with my path and be ready to make major decisions.


With a life filled with people going in a different direction than I, I've gotten used to not having a lot of support. I've gotten used to the feeling of general disrespect and the feeling that I'm weird and unvalued. I didn't take the time to develop relationships where others wanted to treat me well, but I couldn't imagine wanting to treat others that way. It was ridiculous to me. I set expectations for everyone, and I was pretty much always disappointed. I let myself get hurt and consequently a strong desire to distance myself from everything east coast. So now this is it, I'm in Logan. I'm taking a lot of classes and spending a lot of time practicing and running around and being with this lovely man whom I can't ever seem to want to part from. I've never, ever, thought I'd feel the way I do about him now. About any person. I have never wanted to give so much to one person before. I was so selfish. And now, my priorities are completely changed, because he's the most important thing happening in my life. Everywhere I go, I try to be happy and to put on a happy face. But with him, I don't have to try. I feel more than happy, I feel joy. He is intelligent and motivated and compassionate and hard working and adorable. He loves his mother, his father, his sisters. His wants and goals are parallel to mine and it makes me cry with amazed realization that these couple years where I've prepped myself for college and made myself grow up, was for this reason. Was for Ben. I shouldn't speak too soon or make any serious remarks like I probably have. I'm going to be very cautious and gentle and patient, and I refuse to make any serious decisions with him suddenly or irrationally. I never have a desire to fight with him or see him in discontent, and that's kind of unique with me and loved ones. Like the rest of the things in my life, I don't have a lot of support with this decision to be with him. Other people don't matter though, it's not about anyone else. It's about relying on God and having the faith to keep moving forward. I'm very scared, but I know that this is right. It's not a "right now" situation. I truly believe this is right.

Utah. Utah State University. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Aggie Marching Band. Valley View Tower. Class of 2014. That is how I define myself, and how you can now define me. I'm a freshman. I'm only 19 years old. I've been gone from my home now for 3 months.

What Love is Not

He loves me. He loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not.  The notion of love can be so confusing.  Nonetheless, many people throw the word around without regard for its true meaning. In an environment where the word love is used to describe feelings of lust, attachment, and infatuation, you may be wondering how anyone can possibly identify pure love. The easiest way is to first identify what love is not.

Love is unconditional; whereas, attachment comes with many conditions.  When you’re attached, you may require a person to remain accessible at all times, to meet your expectations, to provide you with physical pleasures, to tell you what you need to hear, “fix” their flaws, or to change their ways.  When they oblige, you may feel that they are “showing their love.” However, when that person is no longer meeting the conditions, you feel distraught or claim to be “falling out of love.”  This isn’t really falling out of love, because love exists despite circumstances.  Instead, this is the typical dissatisfaction that stems from unhealthy relationship attachment.

This is not an issue that is limited to romantic relationships, as it often shows up in relations with family, friends, and others that are close to us. Attachment creates a sense of anxiety about what is to come—a fear that something is going wrong or will go wrong. Whereas the purity of love allows peace of mind with what is. Here are a few examples in case you’re not sure how to identify attachment disguised as love:

The feeling that you can’t live without someone

Feelings of jealousy, anxiety, or worry regarding your partner

Inability to let go of a person without falling apart

Depending on a person to make you feel loved

The feeling that a person’s actions or words control your happiness

A need or desire to control

A need to keep your partner around so that you aren’t lonely

Inability to feel peace of mind when your partner doesn’t comply with your wishes

Desire to manipulate with phrases like, “If you loved me you would…”

Don’t be alarmed by the list above if you noticed that you have an attachment to someone.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that you do not love them because it is possible for attachment to exist with someone that you love. The key is to distinguish between the two, thus allowing love, if it exists, to flourish and create a healthy relationship.

Many people grow addicted to the feeling of what is referred to as “new love.”  Most of us are familiar with it.  The thought, smell, or touch of your new lover puts you on cloud 9.  You feel “butterflies” in your tummy, your heart skips a beat, your body temperature seems to rise, or you get goose bumps.  You think about him or her constantly and can’t seem to get close enough.  You want to be near this person every chance you get, to enjoy the natural high that comes from your interaction together.  And before you know it, you’re saying those 3 words: I love you.

But what does any of this have to do with love? Nothing.  The “new love” feeling is nothing more than infatuation.  And I’ll be the first to say that it feels great.  I’ll also say that I believe you can have some level of infatuation with a person that you truly love.  However, it is important to recognize the distinct differences between love and infatuation. There may be hot and heavy sexual attraction with someone that you love, but the relationship isn’t defined by it and pure love won’t subside without it.  There may be a feeling of butterflies in the stomach when seeing the face of your beloved. But the butterflies are a cherry on top of the pie, while real love is the pie itself.

When lust and infatuation are present in the absence of love, it can be disheartening to watch the relationship’s demise.  With time, the frisky new mates find themselves faced with real life.  And oftentimes those real life issues cause the butterflies and hot sex to die down, leaving behind two confused people who have no idea why their “love” fell apart.  Well, what really fell apart is the lust and infatuation.  And there’s very little to salvage if the relationship was built on a weak foundation that had nothing to do with love.

When relationship commitments are built around something other than pure love, it becomes tempting for many people to seek partners outside of the relationship.  After all, unconditional love isn’t a factor in such unions and the conditions that were set are not being met. This can lead to both emotional and physical cheating as partners  choose to experience that “new love” feeling outside of the relationship, thus  satisfying their cravings for lust and infatuation while maintaining an unhealthy attachment to the partner that they’re “falling out of love” with.

It’s nice to remind ourselves that love is more than just an emotion.  The word is also a verb, and the action should coincide with what’s in the heart. Love is not painful, selfish, anxious or demanding.  Instead, it is gentle, patient, boundless, and free. Love does not seek to deceive, belittle, or manipulate.  Instead, love uplifts, cherishes, and respects. Knowing this, it is helpful to ask ourselves before making decisions in matters of the heart, “What would love do?” The answers won’t always be what you want them to be and you won’t always follow love’s guide.  However, having the answer will help you to realize if it is truly love that motivates you at all.

room 416

Maybe it's wrong for me to post my address on the internet. But I need to talk about my living situation! I go around campus and talk to different people, and when I tell them I live in the towers, most people say "I am Sorry". There's a good deal of animosity towards the way the towers are set up. But I don't have a problem with it. I live in Valley View Tower on the fourth floor and I have it so good. 

Leslie is my roommate. Can I explain just how much I love Leslie?! She is so beautiful and smart and funny and caring and adorable. I love how I can tell her absolutely any thought or secret, and I love listening to her stories too. Walking into our dorm room, her colorful side always cheers me up. Our beloved Aggie Avenue sign hangs on her wall, from the first week that we spent together. We went to a concert! And they were giving out free stuff, and they called the first five people to come to the table from out of state! I ran over there, but she beat me to it :) Our first week together, we shared every detail of our lives. I trust her more than I've ever trusted another person before. We can talk seriously and laugh and cry together. We can talk about the Lord and about boys and about our insecurities and I always want to be there for her.

People are pretty much jealous of our dorm room. We have the room directly across from the elevators, we have awesome curtains that no one else can compete with, we have a garden surrounding our doorway. We also have more food in our room than either of us can handle! Especially since we all have meal plans and don't need all that is stored on the top shelf, it's fantastic. We keep our door open and one of my favorite part of the days are when our neighbors come and stay awhile. The girls on my floor are amazing and I am so lucky to be here and to have them in my life. There has been several microwave fires in the towers since the start of the semester, and whenever we're kicked out and are forced to wait for the fire marshall on the soccer field, you can see all the occupants of the floors altogether, and it's fascinating to see the different social interactions. Most girls are to themselves and don't really talk to each other; not us. Catherine and Skadi and Kira and Sherece and Becca and Mackenzie and Leslie and Tori and Taylor and Kayla and Reem and Michelle and Jessica and Bryanne and Laura and Marie and Tiffany and Ari and Hannah and Whitni and Katie - it feels like a family. I've never felt so healthy before, so happy and stable and close to Christ. 


On Saturday morning, Leslie and Michelle left for Farmington to visit with Michelle's family and to go to General Conference in Salt Lake together, since Leslie's never visited temple square before and such. It was sad when we said goodbye; I said "Give momma hugs!" And it really felt like I was parting ways with my family. I thought that the rest of the weekend was going to be lonely. Much to the contrary, I got back up to the fourth floor and a dozen people came over and watched conference with me on my itty bitty macbook. Kayla brought over her boom box and connected the speakers and we turned on all the fans and gathered on the beds and chairs. The spirit was so strong that day. I have such a testimony of friendships and the importance of time spent with loved ones. It's hard for me to tell others that I LOVE them. I talk about things and ideas and loving that sort of thing is natural, but loving people and telling them so is serious to me. And even though I'm still struggling with saying it out loud, I really love these girls, and I know that I have them as lifelong friends. 

a dozen roses

I feel as though my heart is being wrenched from my chest. My head gets hot and my knees are weak. My mouth gets dry and I lose my train of thought. I feel like a failing ringbearer over my emotions.

precious solidarity

I am alone and am realizing that this sensation doesn't come around too often anymore. I'll admit that I love the college experience of constantly having friends at your side throughout your days, but being alone for once is nice. Back home, being alone was so necessary - because my days seemed to get out of control for some reason or another, and there was nothing I could do but cool off in my room. Here, though, I have plenty of control over my days, and I really love being able to do so much in the day and come home feeling contented and accomplished. I am so happy - so blessed - for all the friendship, love, and support I've found here. It's easy to get sentimental when I'm alone... oh! but my roommates are back now. So much for solidarity :) until next time!