the virtue lies in the struggle

13. Goals.

Before I go to sleep each night, I think about my morning the next day, and I make a goal for a specific wake-up time, because I have vastly different mornings on a daily basis. Some days I have to get up at 6:30 and other days I get to sleep in til 10. More times than not, though, I don't reach my morning goals. I'm pretty much bipolar when it comes to my hopeful attitude at night and my rebel grumpy self while waking up.


I have goals for my education: I want to definitely get my bachelor's and hopefully my master's degree in music, so I can potentially make bank down the road when I stay at home and teach flute in a home studio. I'm looking forward to going out into the community, wherever I end up, and being an entrepreneur, and participating in workshops and symphonies and creating a great outlet for kids who love music as much as I did when I was nine.


With family, my goal is the temple. I will get sealed in the temple, and I am going to have a big ol' family that gets raised in the church. 


None of these goals are easy. As I've already explained, I miserably fail at the first. School is hard and staying temple worthy is a challenge. This post's title says it all: the virtue lies in the struggle. And going to class and practicing flute and baritone and reading my textbooks and studying and focusing is really satisfying! Putting God first in my life makes a world of difference, in how perfectly my priorities fall into place. The principle of these matters mean the most, in the end.

run me over

It's a ride we're strapped in

Love drains you, takes with it much of your blood sugar and water weight. You are like a house slowly losing its electricity, the fans slowing, the lights dimming and flickering; the clocks stop and go and stop.

Will I ever truly be over him? At one point I was sure that the answer is yes. But if seeing him again- and merely touching his hand- could peel back so many layers of my heart, then have I ever stopped loving him the way you’re supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you’re with?

I’m lonely, and I am hurt. I’m tired of feeling weak. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of feeling invisible. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of shutting everyone out. I’m tired of never being good enough. I’m shaking, gasping for breath, and I’m absolutely terrified. Waiting for that moment, the one that comes every time. The one where you detach yourself and leave me alone once again. I’m so sick of all of this, of feeling like I have nowhere to go. My last resort fell through. And just like always, I’m alone.

And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding was always enough, but it isn’t.

Basically, I wish that you loved me. I wish that you needed me. I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three. I wish that without me your heart would break. I wish that without me you’d be spending the rest of your nights awake. I wish that without me you couldn’t eat. I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

It’s not the way I’m meant to be, it’s just the way the operation made me. And you can tell from the state of my room, that they let me out too soon and the pills that I ate came a couple years too late and I’ve got some issues to work through….