what?

The spirit has always, always, been a strong presence in my life. A lot of times in my past I can recall its words directed at me. Mostly though, I get deep impressions that feel like judgment, but I know isn't coming from me. And for the longest time, the spirit has been urging me to pursue something I didn't originally want to pursue, for unknown reasons. Or so I thought. Tonight, I felt an aggressive, complete opposite prompting than my usual, with this thing. I heard the voice telling me to "get out and go home" very distinctly. I was so surprised with how firm He was, how different of a prompting this was compared to my usual. Upon leaving the premises, I was very calm and comforted, but once I got out of there, anxiety overwhelmed my person. I got to my room, still in a shuddering panic. I stopped breathing and pretty much knocked myself out from sheer lack of oxygen. It has taken me a good two hours to calm down now, and I'm sure the shock of the situation will keep me up all night. Could the spirit have really been fooling me all along? Have I really been led away from the spirit and been following other promptings? Or was this all supposed to be a test? Was it something He wanted me to go through, until this one random, insignificant moment when He tells me to all of a sudden"get out"? I don't agree, and I don't understand. I'm so upset and exasperated and confused. 

the missing piece

not fooled

"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused."


-Anonymous

It's a ride we're strapped in

Love drains you, takes with it much of your blood sugar and water weight. You are like a house slowly losing its electricity, the fans slowing, the lights dimming and flickering; the clocks stop and go and stop.

Will I ever truly be over him? At one point I was sure that the answer is yes. But if seeing him again- and merely touching his hand- could peel back so many layers of my heart, then have I ever stopped loving him the way you’re supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you’re with?

I’m lonely, and I am hurt. I’m tired of feeling weak. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of feeling invisible. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of shutting everyone out. I’m tired of never being good enough. I’m shaking, gasping for breath, and I’m absolutely terrified. Waiting for that moment, the one that comes every time. The one where you detach yourself and leave me alone once again. I’m so sick of all of this, of feeling like I have nowhere to go. My last resort fell through. And just like always, I’m alone.

And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding was always enough, but it isn’t.

Basically, I wish that you loved me. I wish that you needed me. I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three. I wish that without me your heart would break. I wish that without me you’d be spending the rest of your nights awake. I wish that without me you couldn’t eat. I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

It’s not the way I’m meant to be, it’s just the way the operation made me. And you can tell from the state of my room, that they let me out too soon and the pills that I ate came a couple years too late and I’ve got some issues to work through….

What Love is Not

He loves me. He loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not.  The notion of love can be so confusing.  Nonetheless, many people throw the word around without regard for its true meaning. In an environment where the word love is used to describe feelings of lust, attachment, and infatuation, you may be wondering how anyone can possibly identify pure love. The easiest way is to first identify what love is not.

Love is unconditional; whereas, attachment comes with many conditions.  When you’re attached, you may require a person to remain accessible at all times, to meet your expectations, to provide you with physical pleasures, to tell you what you need to hear, “fix” their flaws, or to change their ways.  When they oblige, you may feel that they are “showing their love.” However, when that person is no longer meeting the conditions, you feel distraught or claim to be “falling out of love.”  This isn’t really falling out of love, because love exists despite circumstances.  Instead, this is the typical dissatisfaction that stems from unhealthy relationship attachment.

This is not an issue that is limited to romantic relationships, as it often shows up in relations with family, friends, and others that are close to us. Attachment creates a sense of anxiety about what is to come—a fear that something is going wrong or will go wrong. Whereas the purity of love allows peace of mind with what is. Here are a few examples in case you’re not sure how to identify attachment disguised as love:

The feeling that you can’t live without someone

Feelings of jealousy, anxiety, or worry regarding your partner

Inability to let go of a person without falling apart

Depending on a person to make you feel loved

The feeling that a person’s actions or words control your happiness

A need or desire to control

A need to keep your partner around so that you aren’t lonely

Inability to feel peace of mind when your partner doesn’t comply with your wishes

Desire to manipulate with phrases like, “If you loved me you would…”

Don’t be alarmed by the list above if you noticed that you have an attachment to someone.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that you do not love them because it is possible for attachment to exist with someone that you love. The key is to distinguish between the two, thus allowing love, if it exists, to flourish and create a healthy relationship.

Many people grow addicted to the feeling of what is referred to as “new love.”  Most of us are familiar with it.  The thought, smell, or touch of your new lover puts you on cloud 9.  You feel “butterflies” in your tummy, your heart skips a beat, your body temperature seems to rise, or you get goose bumps.  You think about him or her constantly and can’t seem to get close enough.  You want to be near this person every chance you get, to enjoy the natural high that comes from your interaction together.  And before you know it, you’re saying those 3 words: I love you.

But what does any of this have to do with love? Nothing.  The “new love” feeling is nothing more than infatuation.  And I’ll be the first to say that it feels great.  I’ll also say that I believe you can have some level of infatuation with a person that you truly love.  However, it is important to recognize the distinct differences between love and infatuation. There may be hot and heavy sexual attraction with someone that you love, but the relationship isn’t defined by it and pure love won’t subside without it.  There may be a feeling of butterflies in the stomach when seeing the face of your beloved. But the butterflies are a cherry on top of the pie, while real love is the pie itself.

When lust and infatuation are present in the absence of love, it can be disheartening to watch the relationship’s demise.  With time, the frisky new mates find themselves faced with real life.  And oftentimes those real life issues cause the butterflies and hot sex to die down, leaving behind two confused people who have no idea why their “love” fell apart.  Well, what really fell apart is the lust and infatuation.  And there’s very little to salvage if the relationship was built on a weak foundation that had nothing to do with love.

When relationship commitments are built around something other than pure love, it becomes tempting for many people to seek partners outside of the relationship.  After all, unconditional love isn’t a factor in such unions and the conditions that were set are not being met. This can lead to both emotional and physical cheating as partners  choose to experience that “new love” feeling outside of the relationship, thus  satisfying their cravings for lust and infatuation while maintaining an unhealthy attachment to the partner that they’re “falling out of love” with.

It’s nice to remind ourselves that love is more than just an emotion.  The word is also a verb, and the action should coincide with what’s in the heart. Love is not painful, selfish, anxious or demanding.  Instead, it is gentle, patient, boundless, and free. Love does not seek to deceive, belittle, or manipulate.  Instead, love uplifts, cherishes, and respects. Knowing this, it is helpful to ask ourselves before making decisions in matters of the heart, “What would love do?” The answers won’t always be what you want them to be and you won’t always follow love’s guide.  However, having the answer will help you to realize if it is truly love that motivates you at all.

a dozen roses

I feel as though my heart is being wrenched from my chest. My head gets hot and my knees are weak. My mouth gets dry and I lose my train of thought. I feel like a failing ringbearer over my emotions.

RS general broadcast

I thought I would take notes on here, since its easier to type than to write in my broken journal.

Sister Julie Beck: Relief society is a compass and guide for righteous women. Understanding relief society strengthens their foundations. Align his daughters in his work. Enlist his help... We study our history to know who we are. PRIORITIZE MONEY! Teach young women to be sober, willing, chaste. The constant theme: sisters who utilize the power of the Holy Ghost are blessed and receive revelation.


Sister Silvia H. Allred: You don't have to be married to keep the commandments! The Lord says, I will not forget thee. The Lord loves you. He knows your hopes and your disappointments. He will not forget you. The Lord grades you on your effort. Our faith in Christ will give us the confidence to face life's daily challenges. We have to remain temple worthy to receive our covenants, so we can see our family in heaven and be with them forever. It is so important to understand the plan of redemption.

• Prayer
• Scripture Study
• Obediance
• Service

The Lord expects those who are strong to strengthen the weak. As women, we have an essential part in the plan of happiness. Each of us are needed to build up his kingdom.

Sister Barbara Thompson:  Visiting Teaching. In Alaska, home teaching was impossible. Prayerfully though, they found ways to bless and strength their sisters. Sisters who truly seek to love one another find meaningful ways to accomplish this task with the Lord. Sometimes the best part of the visit is to Just Listen. Or do some housework. Or calm a crying a child. Don't look at it as a burden; it is a blessing. 

(Interlude)

President Thomas S. Monson: Our soul has reason to rejoice tonight. The spirit of the Lord is here. How do we look at each other? Are we making judgments when we don't have all the facts? None of us are perfect. And yet for some reason, we have a tendency to point out the faults of others. There's really no way to know the heart of others. For some reason, we find reason to criticize. 

Not only do we judge actions but we judge appearances - clothing, hairstyle, size. "You could lose customers by putting up such people". Oh, if only they could have known him. Appearances can be so deceiving. It's such a small measure of a person. If attitudes, deeds, and spiritual revelations were reflected in appearances...  Such differences are almost endless. Do these differences make us judge one another? Mother Theresa's commitment was to love one another. 

CHARITY NEVER FAILETH. 

Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the opposite of criticism and judging. Charity manifests itself when we are tolerant of others and lenient. Forgiveness, patience; charity compels us to be sympathetic, compassionate, and merciful in times of weakness and error on the part of others. There's a serious need for attention to those who are unnoticed. True charity is love in action. It's resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances, to attributes that wont dim over time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others. In a hundred small ways, all of you are advocates of charity. Recognize that everyone is doing their best. It is the highest, strongest, noblest kind of love. 

Charity Never Faileth.

hesi... tation

Tonight was a good night. We played Fresno State in football and it started out as a good game but we ended up being creamed. It didn't matter though, because regardless of the score, I continued having a blast dancing and playing... 

...and eating the piccolo's community food. I love my section in marching band! They are all so maternal and giving - I was so full after the popcorn and frosted animal cookies and triscuits and sandies and homemade chocolate chip cookies! People are sweet and spending my time here with all of these people makes me feel wonder how some think there isn't any good in the world. Im completely immersed in the good in the world right now. Then after the game, we all quickly went home to change and then met up at a fast food joint, this time Burger King, to eat some very late dinners and tell jokes. 

It wasn't as long as last week's afterparty, but enjoyable anyways. We were pretty much kicked out, so we loitered for a while then most people left and the remains of the group ended up going to Sarrong's apartment and watching a movie. I fell asleep so many times throughout the movie! But I tried really hard to stay awake. It wasn't too hard to regain consciousness though, because I happened to be sitting next to someone I like very much. Well, after the movie, I stumbled to the car and was so dead, but once we arrived at my place, I talked with Megan for hours in the car. It is coming up close to 4 am, and I just got in. I got in to my sleepy roommate and the dorm floor silent. 

The reason why I am titling this entry as such is because as I'm spending all this time with band people, I leave out my dear dorm friends and I'm sad that I can't be with them too. Like, it's my decision, so it sucks that I feel like I'm letting them down, as they are fully aware that I'm making them a lesser priority. On the other hand, as I spend all of my time with band people and in particular some men who spark my interest, I am so nervous that I'm going to mess it all up. Never before have I felt the need to be so cautious about my actions. And that's weird, because these people are incredibly similar to me and just super kind and accepting. Instead of letting my guard down, I'm... hesitating. I don't understand why though. Maybe my approach to this new constantly social thing is from an overly laborious point of view. Maybe I'm being too strategical about friendships and experiences I have with my friends. Whatever it is, I know that I'm creating an extra obstacle for myself.

I think too much. AGHHH! 
Oh - random fact: today (well yesterday) was my one month mark of being on my own.