elegy of an uprooting

My computer hasn't been letting me on my blog these last few days, claiming there was malicious software stored in the html add-ons. Basically, my blog crashed. I simply had no choice but to alter the format and make it like new! These last couple of hours have been dedicated here. I hope you like the way things look now. :)

On another separate and dissonant note, I leave the dorms in ten days. Next Saturday. What's funny about that, is I'm not sad to see it go. I'm not afraid of all the goodbyes I'll have to give. I'm so ready to get out of here, even though it's been way good to me. 

I live in the towers on Utah State's central campus. Here, we have required meal plans and a daily janitor, which means two big things: I don't own kitchen equipment or any household cleaning supplies. Not to mention, I have no groceries, not even cereal. I've been relying on the school system. This means I will be needing to buy a boatload of, Everything, once I move out. To make this more convenient, I don't even have a car! Last August upon moving in here, I brought 5 pieces of luggage filled with my life, and then proceeded to get two Walmart shopping carts full of more stuff. Haha - this is going to be fun...

I've got some help from a few friends and Benjamin, but to be honest I've been stressing about the location switch a lot lately. My small towers dorm is bursting with my things and I can only hope to God that I can manage to pack up and organize it all, manageably. I'm not even worried about juries or finals anymore! But I haven't been practicing flute or keyboard hardly enough, at the same time. That's not normal, is it?

unconditionality

Day 24: Something you've learned.

I've learned...

... that people have the capacity to love me unconditionally. I never believed that was possible before now. I am so paranoid and I have this constant worry that my next screw up will be the cause of my friend or family member dropping our relationship, just like that. Mostly I think that way because that's how I grew up. Our family is still growing up. There's a lot of good about our family, but one thing that's always been a struggle was how horribly conditional we were with one another. We all seem to be very uncomfortable with each other, because we don't resolve a lot of fights, we just let them fester and pretend to move on. And then we let minor things affect our major opinions. We would get offended super easily and as a result, we were never really nice to each other. I didn't notice it was such a problem until my two younger sisters would openly criticize me in public. It was very startling and hurtful. Because I found out that in any setting, they don't like me - they wouldn't even pretend to get along. I didn't see hardly any positive feedback, except when by chance we happened to be getting along or agreeing at the time. Then, in that condition, would things be all right between us.

Growing up conditional, I never fully trusted my loved ones. And what is love without trust? It's a battle that I'm still fighting, winning over my siblings and father and cultivating a positive, affectionate relationship with each of them. Mom and I are pretty solid, and I'm so grateful for that. 

I kept that part of my roots in my system until recently, when I threw away the notion that I was doomed to conditions. Over the last several days, I've been extra clumsy and careless and I thought it was affecting all those I surround myself with, and I've been getting really worried that everyone is getting mad at me. I beat myself up pretty good psychologically, and I braced myself for disappointment. Turns out, I created these demons in my head for no good reason. My friends here are still just as tight with me as ever; Ben and I are amazing. I got embarrassed and scared over nothing. I can't say enough how much I appreciate this unconditional love stuff - even when I'm having a week where I'm far from perfect, I have people in my life that still think the world of me. I think I've always yearned to feel like a princess, tried to feel special and important, but never quite getting there. But now, after expecting doomsday and getting blanketed by love and security, I can tell you that I finally feel like a princess.

haha. hah. ha. h...

16. Something that makes you laugh.

screaming with fright and scaring myself more than the original scare

when dr. rohrer makes really cheesy band jokes during rehearsal

any movie with will ferrell and/or steve carell in it

using photobooth after 11pm with michelle, catherine, and leslie

...and really, just being myself makes me laugh. I'm pretty ridiculous.

black nails & hospital trips

Day 9 is a free day. Sweet! I kind of love being able to ramble sometimes :) ...Yesterday I was supposed to write about what I believe in. I believe in a lot of specifics, religion-wise; I believe in mostly conservative political ideals; and I believe more generally in the good of the world. But that was very condensed, because that's not what today is about. 


I guess I want to talk about my day, and night last night. I didn't realize that last night our RA planned a girl's night for our floor. So along with the boxes of bleach and used gloves and directions showering the bar, Ashley put out face mask stuff and goodies and nail polish. Sherece and I provided the tunes, and the party pretty much came to us. We took turns finger-painting avocado gook on each other's faces, and played around with the silly hair cap that came with the highlighting kit. Earlier that day, I painted my nails black, and then at the party, all the girls were doing the same, and helped cut aluminum foil strips and compared everyone's shades of hair. It was an evening I'll never forget, regardless of its simplicity. The mood was very calm and loving and happy. And it followed a day of unhealthy ladies.


A lot of my friends have gotten really sick lately - my roommate's been throwing up, my favorite Polynesian girl has a terrible flu, and Sherece, the wonder woman, who did my hair so professionally, ended up in the hospital last night, with appendicitis. I didn't even find out where she went until this morning when I bumped into her roommate outside. I was sick with worry. So this afternoon, we got her some crayons, a coloring book, and some balloons that said "I'm Sorry" & "Happy Retirement!", hoping to cheer up her day. Even as our group was leaving the hospital premises, we saw a dozen more buddies walking in with more presents in tow. Driving away, I got some major goosebumps. I realized how grateful I am for these relationships I have, with these 40-some girls I live with. I would do anything for all of them, and I know they would help me in a time of need, too. Sherece spent half the day with me yesterday! With appendicitis! She's amazing, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life.


In your face, day 9! I got you covered. 
(does that even make sense? I think the bleach in my roots has fried some brain cells.)

I believe!

8. Your beliefs.
I believe ... that we will win?
No. Crap. I spent the last six hours bleaching my roots, dyeing my whole head a certain shade of blonde, and then doing highlights, all at home with the help of my fabulous lady-friend, Sherece. And then I ran out the door to the music building, without thinking about this post I have to do before midnight! So here I am, on my iPod touch, without any settings to edit this or have any way to add pictures. This is really crappy - and I apologize. I'll fix this tomorrow. :/

write it all down

I'm not good at this blogging thing. I'm not computer savvy and I don't know how to make special effects or add pictures or cool things to my blog. But I do want to write. I want to express myself and my journal isn't quite cutting it anymore. I have so much that I want to say and so much feeling for my situation right now. But at the same time, it's important to be super careful about what I bring up and publicly write out here. 


I'm a freshman. I am only 19 years old. I've been gone from my home now for 3 months. The only family I've seen since then is my sister's family in Spanish Fork, a month ago, and that was just for a few short days. I'm living off of scholarships and my parents at the moment, but next year, I will have to fend for myself financially. I came to college not knowing a soul, and I cut off almost all of my relationships with my friends from back home. I made a significant life change and I knew what I was getting into when I made the decision to come to Utah. There were more than plenty opportunities for a stellar education back home; I live in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania, in the main line, right down the road from Philadelphia. Where I live, there's Bryn Mawr College, Haverford College, Villanova, St. Joseph's, West Chester University, Arcadia, Temple, Drexel, Penn, Curtis, and the list goes on for a while. Out here, there's Utah State, Weber State, U of U, BYU, SUU, and Dixie State. And that's in the entire state. I probably left some out, but, I honestly haven't heard of any others. And the schools I listed are all within a half hour distance from my house. There's Washington D.C. and the Atlantic Ocean and New York City. There's broadway and the philadelphia orchestra and delaware symphony and new york philharmonic. There's dozens of available flute teachers within my reach; there's beyond amazing opportunities where I lived in the east coast. The people are real, they don't hide who they are. The history is rich and the humidity keeps nature alive and color prevalent in my daily life. 

I made a lot of sacrifices to be here now. Until today, I haven't looked back on my past at all. I was super stoked to make a new life for myself here, to blend in with the rest of the mormons and bounce off the walls with contentedness, living in the music building and thriving off of the perceived happiness people give off so often. I showed up and opened my heart to a hundred strangers and didn't think twice about some of the repercussions that come from letting strangers into your life. I was intensely myself and didn't conform and was really happy. I made friends quickly and kept everything running so smoothly. I ruminated on every little thing I did and said, before and after the fact, and kept myself in check, making sure I did and said everything just right. Making sure I was perfect.


Perfection is something that I've learned is really focused on here. People don't expect your mistakes, and when they're shown, there's a lot of disappointed feedback. I heard last week that there was study that showed that women take Prozac more in Utah than in any other state in America. Prozac is an anti-depressant. Aka, women in Utah are way depressed. That startled me! I had no idea that "happy valley" was being fed happiness artificially. It makes me sad to think that there's a major problem in Utah, and that the lifestyle I came to pursue is very flawed. The singles ward that I attend on Sundays only teaches a few things in the lessons given in all three meetings, and they are eternal marriage, dating, and chastity. They don't talk about anything else. They pressure the freshmen especially to look for an eternal companion and to get married. The whole system of a singles ward, their whole purpose, is to kick us out as soon as they can, into a family ward. You know what's so frustrating? Even though I filled out a paper with all my information and handed it in to my bishopric, even though they gave me a calling, they haven't registered me as a member in their system, and I still get emails from my home ward of Philadelphia. I have tried on many occasions to get them to put me in their system, but it's just not a priority! 


I'm running through a lot of tangents right now, I know it. I just need to keep writing.


I love the gospel so much. I know that Jesus is my savior and He died for us. I know that the scriptures are powerful and that prayer is literally talking to God. God listens every time, and he's waiting for us to pray so he can get another chance to be there for us. I know that charity is above all the single most important thing we can practice in our lives, because charity is the pure love of Christ. I know that being modest is a clear way of expressing self respect and that the church's guidelines for modesty is a smart thing and keeps people safe. I know that being kind to others at all times is the best thing you can do for yourself, because that way you refrain from making enemies. I know that music is a connection to God and singing hymns gives us that extra connection. I know that prophets are legitimate and that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet, a seer, and revelator. I know that Joseph Smith restored the gospel, which is so significant, but also that he was an imperfect man that sparked a lot of adversary towards the church from the getgo. I know that My Redeemer lives. I will always have a testimony of the gospel. 

Having said all that, I also know that my father doesn't believe, and neither do my siblings. And neither do the majority of my friends from back home. I've gone through my life attached to my LDS standards while living in a society and household that go against who I am and have always wanted to be. I really am grateful for having gone through that though, because it's made me more consistent, I think. I have spent so many years defending my position to my father and my family and my friends. I've questioned it enough and I know so deeply at this point, there's no way I would let myself give up my testimony. People don't affiliate me with immaturity too often I don't think, and it's because I've pushed myself to figure me out in high school. Everyone else fooled around, and I sure did my share of it too. But the last three semesters of high school I really grew up and found my path and grew determined to follow it. I wasn't living a double standard by having a lack of a foundation, I really wasn't. I made me my foundation, nobody else. I made God my foundation on my own. I read the book of mormon straight through in a month on my own, in April of 2009. I cried and cried and prayed on my own. I had terrible relationships with boys and girls alike, and it was mostly on my part, because I was so extremely selfish and I didn't take care of my friends at all. I only took care of myself.  But I wanted to be that way, I wanted to grow up. I wanted to figure things out NOW. So that I could go to college and be comfortable with my path and be ready to make major decisions.


With a life filled with people going in a different direction than I, I've gotten used to not having a lot of support. I've gotten used to the feeling of general disrespect and the feeling that I'm weird and unvalued. I didn't take the time to develop relationships where others wanted to treat me well, but I couldn't imagine wanting to treat others that way. It was ridiculous to me. I set expectations for everyone, and I was pretty much always disappointed. I let myself get hurt and consequently a strong desire to distance myself from everything east coast. So now this is it, I'm in Logan. I'm taking a lot of classes and spending a lot of time practicing and running around and being with this lovely man whom I can't ever seem to want to part from. I've never, ever, thought I'd feel the way I do about him now. About any person. I have never wanted to give so much to one person before. I was so selfish. And now, my priorities are completely changed, because he's the most important thing happening in my life. Everywhere I go, I try to be happy and to put on a happy face. But with him, I don't have to try. I feel more than happy, I feel joy. He is intelligent and motivated and compassionate and hard working and adorable. He loves his mother, his father, his sisters. His wants and goals are parallel to mine and it makes me cry with amazed realization that these couple years where I've prepped myself for college and made myself grow up, was for this reason. Was for Ben. I shouldn't speak too soon or make any serious remarks like I probably have. I'm going to be very cautious and gentle and patient, and I refuse to make any serious decisions with him suddenly or irrationally. I never have a desire to fight with him or see him in discontent, and that's kind of unique with me and loved ones. Like the rest of the things in my life, I don't have a lot of support with this decision to be with him. Other people don't matter though, it's not about anyone else. It's about relying on God and having the faith to keep moving forward. I'm very scared, but I know that this is right. It's not a "right now" situation. I truly believe this is right.

Utah. Utah State University. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Aggie Marching Band. Valley View Tower. Class of 2014. That is how I define myself, and how you can now define me. I'm a freshman. I'm only 19 years old. I've been gone from my home now for 3 months.

quiet and unusual

Fridays are busy and melancholy. Full of stress and endings. I'm not sure why people say that their favorite day of the week is friday, because to me, it sucks. My usual day is filled with conversation and company here at college, and today I think I had about 8 conversations all day. Everyone seemed preoccupied I guess, and I was left alone. I think it's a good lesson for me to learn, that I'm still learning, that I don't need the approval of others - I need to approve of myself. Confidence hasn't been a problem so much as my constant desires to keep talking to others and letting them into my life. I let as many people as I can possibly talk to into my life, because I'm so open. But on days like these it's not fun to be aware of much I've let go on. Maybe it's just a part of who I am that I can't change, maybe I'm bound to be vulnerable for the rest of my life. 

room 416

Maybe it's wrong for me to post my address on the internet. But I need to talk about my living situation! I go around campus and talk to different people, and when I tell them I live in the towers, most people say "I am Sorry". There's a good deal of animosity towards the way the towers are set up. But I don't have a problem with it. I live in Valley View Tower on the fourth floor and I have it so good. 

Leslie is my roommate. Can I explain just how much I love Leslie?! She is so beautiful and smart and funny and caring and adorable. I love how I can tell her absolutely any thought or secret, and I love listening to her stories too. Walking into our dorm room, her colorful side always cheers me up. Our beloved Aggie Avenue sign hangs on her wall, from the first week that we spent together. We went to a concert! And they were giving out free stuff, and they called the first five people to come to the table from out of state! I ran over there, but she beat me to it :) Our first week together, we shared every detail of our lives. I trust her more than I've ever trusted another person before. We can talk seriously and laugh and cry together. We can talk about the Lord and about boys and about our insecurities and I always want to be there for her.

People are pretty much jealous of our dorm room. We have the room directly across from the elevators, we have awesome curtains that no one else can compete with, we have a garden surrounding our doorway. We also have more food in our room than either of us can handle! Especially since we all have meal plans and don't need all that is stored on the top shelf, it's fantastic. We keep our door open and one of my favorite part of the days are when our neighbors come and stay awhile. The girls on my floor are amazing and I am so lucky to be here and to have them in my life. There has been several microwave fires in the towers since the start of the semester, and whenever we're kicked out and are forced to wait for the fire marshall on the soccer field, you can see all the occupants of the floors altogether, and it's fascinating to see the different social interactions. Most girls are to themselves and don't really talk to each other; not us. Catherine and Skadi and Kira and Sherece and Becca and Mackenzie and Leslie and Tori and Taylor and Kayla and Reem and Michelle and Jessica and Bryanne and Laura and Marie and Tiffany and Ari and Hannah and Whitni and Katie - it feels like a family. I've never felt so healthy before, so happy and stable and close to Christ. 


On Saturday morning, Leslie and Michelle left for Farmington to visit with Michelle's family and to go to General Conference in Salt Lake together, since Leslie's never visited temple square before and such. It was sad when we said goodbye; I said "Give momma hugs!" And it really felt like I was parting ways with my family. I thought that the rest of the weekend was going to be lonely. Much to the contrary, I got back up to the fourth floor and a dozen people came over and watched conference with me on my itty bitty macbook. Kayla brought over her boom box and connected the speakers and we turned on all the fans and gathered on the beds and chairs. The spirit was so strong that day. I have such a testimony of friendships and the importance of time spent with loved ones. It's hard for me to tell others that I LOVE them. I talk about things and ideas and loving that sort of thing is natural, but loving people and telling them so is serious to me. And even though I'm still struggling with saying it out loud, I really love these girls, and I know that I have them as lifelong friends. 

friends

(michelle, catherine, me, and leslie)

"... inviting me down there. On such short notice! 
Even if I wanted to go, My SCHEDULE wouldn't allow it! 
four o'clock, wallow in self pity...
four thirty, stare into the abyss
five o'clock, solve world hunger - tell No One.
five thirty, jazzercise
six thirty, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again! 
seven o'clock, wrestle with my self loathing... 


I'm booked!" -- The Grinch


Sometimes I feel like the grinch. For reals! School schedule vs. a social life. 
I'm working really hard to have the very best of both.

hesi... tation

Tonight was a good night. We played Fresno State in football and it started out as a good game but we ended up being creamed. It didn't matter though, because regardless of the score, I continued having a blast dancing and playing... 

...and eating the piccolo's community food. I love my section in marching band! They are all so maternal and giving - I was so full after the popcorn and frosted animal cookies and triscuits and sandies and homemade chocolate chip cookies! People are sweet and spending my time here with all of these people makes me feel wonder how some think there isn't any good in the world. Im completely immersed in the good in the world right now. Then after the game, we all quickly went home to change and then met up at a fast food joint, this time Burger King, to eat some very late dinners and tell jokes. 

It wasn't as long as last week's afterparty, but enjoyable anyways. We were pretty much kicked out, so we loitered for a while then most people left and the remains of the group ended up going to Sarrong's apartment and watching a movie. I fell asleep so many times throughout the movie! But I tried really hard to stay awake. It wasn't too hard to regain consciousness though, because I happened to be sitting next to someone I like very much. Well, after the movie, I stumbled to the car and was so dead, but once we arrived at my place, I talked with Megan for hours in the car. It is coming up close to 4 am, and I just got in. I got in to my sleepy roommate and the dorm floor silent. 

The reason why I am titling this entry as such is because as I'm spending all this time with band people, I leave out my dear dorm friends and I'm sad that I can't be with them too. Like, it's my decision, so it sucks that I feel like I'm letting them down, as they are fully aware that I'm making them a lesser priority. On the other hand, as I spend all of my time with band people and in particular some men who spark my interest, I am so nervous that I'm going to mess it all up. Never before have I felt the need to be so cautious about my actions. And that's weird, because these people are incredibly similar to me and just super kind and accepting. Instead of letting my guard down, I'm... hesitating. I don't understand why though. Maybe my approach to this new constantly social thing is from an overly laborious point of view. Maybe I'm being too strategical about friendships and experiences I have with my friends. Whatever it is, I know that I'm creating an extra obstacle for myself.

I think too much. AGHHH! 
Oh - random fact: today (well yesterday) was my one month mark of being on my own.