unconditionality

Day 24: Something you've learned.

I've learned...

... that people have the capacity to love me unconditionally. I never believed that was possible before now. I am so paranoid and I have this constant worry that my next screw up will be the cause of my friend or family member dropping our relationship, just like that. Mostly I think that way because that's how I grew up. Our family is still growing up. There's a lot of good about our family, but one thing that's always been a struggle was how horribly conditional we were with one another. We all seem to be very uncomfortable with each other, because we don't resolve a lot of fights, we just let them fester and pretend to move on. And then we let minor things affect our major opinions. We would get offended super easily and as a result, we were never really nice to each other. I didn't notice it was such a problem until my two younger sisters would openly criticize me in public. It was very startling and hurtful. Because I found out that in any setting, they don't like me - they wouldn't even pretend to get along. I didn't see hardly any positive feedback, except when by chance we happened to be getting along or agreeing at the time. Then, in that condition, would things be all right between us.

Growing up conditional, I never fully trusted my loved ones. And what is love without trust? It's a battle that I'm still fighting, winning over my siblings and father and cultivating a positive, affectionate relationship with each of them. Mom and I are pretty solid, and I'm so grateful for that. 

I kept that part of my roots in my system until recently, when I threw away the notion that I was doomed to conditions. Over the last several days, I've been extra clumsy and careless and I thought it was affecting all those I surround myself with, and I've been getting really worried that everyone is getting mad at me. I beat myself up pretty good psychologically, and I braced myself for disappointment. Turns out, I created these demons in my head for no good reason. My friends here are still just as tight with me as ever; Ben and I are amazing. I got embarrassed and scared over nothing. I can't say enough how much I appreciate this unconditional love stuff - even when I'm having a week where I'm far from perfect, I have people in my life that still think the world of me. I think I've always yearned to feel like a princess, tried to feel special and important, but never quite getting there. But now, after expecting doomsday and getting blanketed by love and security, I can tell you that I finally feel like a princess.