an understanding

“We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.”

-C.S. Lewis

It's almost 3 am again and I'm in my dorm sitting on my bed, curled up in my sheets, alone. It's halfway through finals week - I got an A on my keyboard final on Monday! Later on today I'll have wind orchestra rehearsal for commencement on Saturday, and then tomorrow I have two more finals. All of my clothes save what I need for the week are packed away. Most of my shoes and room decorations have been packed, too. I'm ready to get out of here. 

I guess I used that quote tonight because I'm sort of at a point of uncertainties, and a lot of times writing in my blog helps sort out the fog in my brain. I've already written in my journal and wrote a letter to a dear friend, but I still have the writing bug. How ironic is it that my life feels like a big question mark, when I have so many things secured for me right now? I've got multiple employments, a great apartment, a great relationship, lower tuition in the bag, and a brand new bicycle. I hear the ward I'm moving into for the summer is a strong one, and I'm looking forward to it. But this isn't supposed to happen. I should feel content; instead I feel kinda miserable, ungrateful, and embarrassed for my selfishness. Somehow I can't seem to be appreciative enough.

Maybe once the rush of moving and settling and immediately juggling jobs will help clear my brain fog. Also, I'm attending FOUR weddings next week! Count em: Whitney & Nate, Catherine & Alex, Sean & Kelli, and Tiffany & Michael. I'm beginning to think that all that matrimony is starting to stress me out. It's wonderful, righteous, eternal, and an amazing thing to do. But it's not a part of my life right now. I can't let myself get jealous of all of my bride-to-be girlfriends, and keep telling myself that, in due course, my time will come. Everything's seriously fine. Better than: life is fantastic. I guess I just keep forgetting.

...aand we're back!

Hello, blog world. 

Lent is over, and here I am.

I'm really looking forward to blogging again. I'm not going to challenge myself with deadlines and subject restraints anymore :P even though it was pretty gratifying, knowing I successfully completed the 30-dayer. These last couple of months, honestly, haven't been very eventful. Just lots of school and music and boyfriend. Lots of happiness, with a good amount of stress, too. But I won't go into the mundane details.

So. 

Tonight I used up the last of the products I snagged at Sally's back in February. It seems like everybody evacuated the towers for the weekend, or at least for Friday night. I got home after dinner, settling in to another calm evening, when I spontaneously decided to do my roots all by myself. I've had my hair blonde for almost 5 months now.. wow. Recently, a lot of people (including my family) have been criticizing my unnatural color and pretty much begging me to go brown again. I was getting so much flack, that I almost did what people told me to do. I was planning on rounding up a box dye at Walmart tomorrow when Ben and I go for easter egg supplies. But here's the thing: regardless of what people say, even if it's mama, I hold dominion over my own life. I have plans for my blonde hair; I've had them ever since I spontaneously bleached it in the first place. I wanted to be blonde for a semester, and I promised myself I'd go natural before band camp in the fall. So screw it, opinions on my facebook wall! And I love you, family, but you're going to have to live with a platinum for a little while longer. 

Not only did I do my hair by myself, but I did a great job on it, too. And I've decided to make this a night of self-pampering, which has been lovely. Hair, check. Exfoliating body & taking a bubble bath, check. Nails & blog post, in progress. 

I have finals a week from Monday, and juries in six days. Soon my freshman year of college will be over, and I'll have another four months of mostly down time, in Logan. I got a couple part-time jobs with the University, after months of persistence. But neither of those employments will keep me very busy. I'm not used to free time! Instead of lazing away this summer, though, I really want to focus on self-improvement. I want to get organized, healthy, and centered. Not to say that my life is in chaos, because I'm seriously so happy right now. I'm in love and I'm on track for my dream career and I'm settled right into the Utah lifestyle. However, there are certain things I've noticed, especially throughout the end of this semester, that needs improvement. For example, I've let some of my friends take advantage of my generosity by being passive and accepting, and I feel like I'm being walked on and disrespected. I need to create a pattern of assertiveness in my life, without coming across as a biotch. 

Anyway, I have to get to bed. Writing this evening has been way refreshing! All it's missing is a good, memorable picture. I found this one last week on StumbleUpon, and I couldn't stop laughing. The caption to the photo was "dog picks bad spot to lay down - what dog could possibly resist a bundle of sticks?" Enjoy below... ;)

she's a fluter

22. A picture of you last year, and a picture of you now.

February 2010:

February 2011:

not much has changed. except the hair, a little bit.