an understanding

“We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.”

-C.S. Lewis

It's almost 3 am again and I'm in my dorm sitting on my bed, curled up in my sheets, alone. It's halfway through finals week - I got an A on my keyboard final on Monday! Later on today I'll have wind orchestra rehearsal for commencement on Saturday, and then tomorrow I have two more finals. All of my clothes save what I need for the week are packed away. Most of my shoes and room decorations have been packed, too. I'm ready to get out of here. 

I guess I used that quote tonight because I'm sort of at a point of uncertainties, and a lot of times writing in my blog helps sort out the fog in my brain. I've already written in my journal and wrote a letter to a dear friend, but I still have the writing bug. How ironic is it that my life feels like a big question mark, when I have so many things secured for me right now? I've got multiple employments, a great apartment, a great relationship, lower tuition in the bag, and a brand new bicycle. I hear the ward I'm moving into for the summer is a strong one, and I'm looking forward to it. But this isn't supposed to happen. I should feel content; instead I feel kinda miserable, ungrateful, and embarrassed for my selfishness. Somehow I can't seem to be appreciative enough.

Maybe once the rush of moving and settling and immediately juggling jobs will help clear my brain fog. Also, I'm attending FOUR weddings next week! Count em: Whitney & Nate, Catherine & Alex, Sean & Kelli, and Tiffany & Michael. I'm beginning to think that all that matrimony is starting to stress me out. It's wonderful, righteous, eternal, and an amazing thing to do. But it's not a part of my life right now. I can't let myself get jealous of all of my bride-to-be girlfriends, and keep telling myself that, in due course, my time will come. Everything's seriously fine. Better than: life is fantastic. I guess I just keep forgetting.