elegy of an uprooting

My computer hasn't been letting me on my blog these last few days, claiming there was malicious software stored in the html add-ons. Basically, my blog crashed. I simply had no choice but to alter the format and make it like new! These last couple of hours have been dedicated here. I hope you like the way things look now. :)

On another separate and dissonant note, I leave the dorms in ten days. Next Saturday. What's funny about that, is I'm not sad to see it go. I'm not afraid of all the goodbyes I'll have to give. I'm so ready to get out of here, even though it's been way good to me. 

I live in the towers on Utah State's central campus. Here, we have required meal plans and a daily janitor, which means two big things: I don't own kitchen equipment or any household cleaning supplies. Not to mention, I have no groceries, not even cereal. I've been relying on the school system. This means I will be needing to buy a boatload of, Everything, once I move out. To make this more convenient, I don't even have a car! Last August upon moving in here, I brought 5 pieces of luggage filled with my life, and then proceeded to get two Walmart shopping carts full of more stuff. Haha - this is going to be fun...

I've got some help from a few friends and Benjamin, but to be honest I've been stressing about the location switch a lot lately. My small towers dorm is bursting with my things and I can only hope to God that I can manage to pack up and organize it all, manageably. I'm not even worried about juries or finals anymore! But I haven't been practicing flute or keyboard hardly enough, at the same time. That's not normal, is it?

...aand we're back!

Hello, blog world. 

Lent is over, and here I am.

I'm really looking forward to blogging again. I'm not going to challenge myself with deadlines and subject restraints anymore :P even though it was pretty gratifying, knowing I successfully completed the 30-dayer. These last couple of months, honestly, haven't been very eventful. Just lots of school and music and boyfriend. Lots of happiness, with a good amount of stress, too. But I won't go into the mundane details.

So. 

Tonight I used up the last of the products I snagged at Sally's back in February. It seems like everybody evacuated the towers for the weekend, or at least for Friday night. I got home after dinner, settling in to another calm evening, when I spontaneously decided to do my roots all by myself. I've had my hair blonde for almost 5 months now.. wow. Recently, a lot of people (including my family) have been criticizing my unnatural color and pretty much begging me to go brown again. I was getting so much flack, that I almost did what people told me to do. I was planning on rounding up a box dye at Walmart tomorrow when Ben and I go for easter egg supplies. But here's the thing: regardless of what people say, even if it's mama, I hold dominion over my own life. I have plans for my blonde hair; I've had them ever since I spontaneously bleached it in the first place. I wanted to be blonde for a semester, and I promised myself I'd go natural before band camp in the fall. So screw it, opinions on my facebook wall! And I love you, family, but you're going to have to live with a platinum for a little while longer. 

Not only did I do my hair by myself, but I did a great job on it, too. And I've decided to make this a night of self-pampering, which has been lovely. Hair, check. Exfoliating body & taking a bubble bath, check. Nails & blog post, in progress. 

I have finals a week from Monday, and juries in six days. Soon my freshman year of college will be over, and I'll have another four months of mostly down time, in Logan. I got a couple part-time jobs with the University, after months of persistence. But neither of those employments will keep me very busy. I'm not used to free time! Instead of lazing away this summer, though, I really want to focus on self-improvement. I want to get organized, healthy, and centered. Not to say that my life is in chaos, because I'm seriously so happy right now. I'm in love and I'm on track for my dream career and I'm settled right into the Utah lifestyle. However, there are certain things I've noticed, especially throughout the end of this semester, that needs improvement. For example, I've let some of my friends take advantage of my generosity by being passive and accepting, and I feel like I'm being walked on and disrespected. I need to create a pattern of assertiveness in my life, without coming across as a biotch. 

Anyway, I have to get to bed. Writing this evening has been way refreshing! All it's missing is a good, memorable picture. I found this one last week on StumbleUpon, and I couldn't stop laughing. The caption to the photo was "dog picks bad spot to lay down - what dog could possibly resist a bundle of sticks?" Enjoy below... ;)

hello out there?

17. Your fears.

I'm afraid of rejection. Of adversary that pulls the ones I care for most away from me. I mean, I'm afraid of other things, horror films get to me pretty easily, but those I just react physically and verbally loud to and afterwards have a good laugh at my hilarious, extreme behavior. But bombing a performance or getting nagged about some plan of mine gone awry or an unexplained breakup, I fear that stuff the most. I don't show it when I'm truly, deeply afraid as much as I do with the fleeting scares. When I'm truly afraid, I feel like the dementors have come down on me. As if all happiness is gone from the world. I allow things to get to me, because my personality is so surfaced. And I'm not saying I'm a wimp or baby entirely, because I know that I can be brave. I've gone through my share of rejection and solitude in my 19 years of living, and I think I'm doing ok so far. But those are my fears. I was going to say that bugs or the dark or heights or madmen with axes are some things that I'm afraid of, but that's not true. I react pretty crazy to all that stuff, but my reality goes deeper than that. My real fears are being rejected and uncared for. Unwanted. Alone.

Life is a challenge. My fears are brought to life, in small manifestations, every day. 

but...

:)

haha. hah. ha. h...

16. Something that makes you laugh.

screaming with fright and scaring myself more than the original scare

when dr. rohrer makes really cheesy band jokes during rehearsal

any movie with will ferrell and/or steve carell in it

using photobooth after 11pm with michelle, catherine, and leslie

...and really, just being myself makes me laugh. I'm pretty ridiculous.

friends

(michelle, catherine, me, and leslie)

"... inviting me down there. On such short notice! 
Even if I wanted to go, My SCHEDULE wouldn't allow it! 
four o'clock, wallow in self pity...
four thirty, stare into the abyss
five o'clock, solve world hunger - tell No One.
five thirty, jazzercise
six thirty, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again! 
seven o'clock, wrestle with my self loathing... 


I'm booked!" -- The Grinch


Sometimes I feel like the grinch. For reals! School schedule vs. a social life. 
I'm working really hard to have the very best of both.