Sunday, September 19, 2010

hesi... tation

Tonight was a good night. We played Fresno State in football and it started out as a good game but we ended up being creamed. It didn't matter though, because regardless of the score, I continued having a blast dancing and playing... 
video
...and eating the piccolo's community food. I love my section in marching band! They are all so maternal and giving - I was so full after the popcorn and frosted animal cookies and triscuits and sandies and homemade chocolate chip cookies! People are sweet and spending my time here with all of these people makes me feel wonder how some think there isn't any good in the world. Im completely immersed in the good in the world right now. Then after the game, we all quickly went home to change and then met up at a fast food joint, this time Burger King, to eat some very late dinners and tell jokes. 

It wasn't as long as last week's afterparty, but enjoyable anyways. We were pretty much kicked out, so we loitered for a while then most people left and the remains of the group ended up going to Sarrong's apartment and watching a movie. I fell asleep so many times throughout the movie! But I tried really hard to stay awake. It wasn't too hard to regain consciousness though, because I happened to be sitting next to someone I like very much. Well, after the movie, I stumbled to the car and was so dead, but once we arrived at my place, I talked with Megan for hours in the car. It is coming up close to 4 am, and I just got in. I got in to my sleepy roommate and the dorm floor silent. 

The reason why I am titling this entry as such is because as I'm spending all this time with band people, I leave out my dear dorm friends and I'm sad that I can't be with them too. Like, it's my decision, so it sucks that I feel like I'm letting them down, as they are fully aware that I'm making them a lesser priority. On the other hand, as I spend all of my time with band people and in particular some men who spark my interest, I am so nervous that I'm going to mess it all up. Never before have I felt the need to be so cautious about my actions. And that's weird, because these people are incredibly similar to me and just super kind and accepting. Instead of letting my guard down, I'm... hesitating. I don't understand why though. Maybe my approach to this new constantly social thing is from an overly laborious point of view. Maybe I'm being too strategical about friendships and experiences I have with my friends. Whatever it is, I know that I'm creating an extra obstacle for myself.

I think too much. AGHHH! 
Oh - random fact: today (well yesterday) was my one month mark of being on my own.

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